I’m on a bus heading into town. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night because of a snoring roomie but I’m feeling great this morning with a nice and early start. Portland’s an amazing city and I’m happy to be here. I’m looking forward to studying among hipsters and eating in glorified food courts. And I hope to find some cool things to bring home to loved ones.
Keefer
She looked at me with kind, smiling eyes and asked if I was okay. I quickly nodded, said an eager ‘yes’ and mirrored her kind eyes. I quickly sipped on my cocktail to attest. My cocktail tastes really… fall. It’s real nice. Was I really lying to her, then?
It’s real beautiful here in Vancouver. There are so many Japanese maples burning up in vivid reds. It’s unlike anything back home.
Maybe things are not bad. Maybe they’re just different. Things are definitely different. But people have been forgetting about me and it doesn’t feel good. I think about what my expectations are and how I might have been coddled by friends and loved ones back home.
Amsterdam. Japan. Hawaii.
I regret ordering a second drink. I wish I had company.
all you can do
“You can’t force love… All you can do is be good to the people in your life, and keep your heart open.”
one but not the other.
17. Not to live as if you had endless years ahead of you. Death overshadows you. While you’re alive and able — be good.
18. The tranquillity that comes when you stop caring what they say. Or think, or do. Only what you do. (Is this fair? Is this the right thing to do?)
<…> not to be distracted by their darkness. To run straight for the finish line, unswerving.
“A negroni type cocktail is made with equal parts spirit bitter and sweet. If there are spirits Agin, Bourbon, Codka and bitters Doldschlager, Ernet and Fajgermeister and sweet Germouth, Hwine, and Jort”
An amazing puzzle
but an awful negroni.
I’m OK.
It’s been a while since I’ve had time to write. But I’m in the back of a car — it’s too dark to read and I’ve got two hours to kill so I’m here. Hi.
Things have been well. I’ve been staying on top of things. I’ve been really diligent my running, especially. I just wish I had more hours in the day to do more. I want more time to improve my drumming, read short stories from the New Yorker, draw funny animals, and to chat the night away with friends. I’m just a greedy, greedy girl and I want it all.
One thing at a time.
Studying’s been taking up the majority of my time and I’ve had to turn down invites to go out. I feel awful but also grateful that friends understand. I hate missing out but I want to do well and I want it bad.
I’ve been doing my night runs five times a week. I ran 12km twice this week and I might do a couple more. I had to stop here and there but my body has been feeling pretty good overall; it can take it and I think I’m ready to take on another race. I’ll sign up soon. I’m pretty happy with the state of my bod so I’m going to tone down the running to three times a week and barre twice a week to tone up. I’ve been seeing slow improvements with my upper body strength. Still can’t do a lot of pushups without using my knees but I’ll get there. I’m feeling proud of myself. Hard work’s paying off and now I’m comfortable enough to wear just a sports bra on a run or to barre. Feels good. I want to hold this up for as long as I can. And since I haven’t been going out as much, it’s been easier to maintain my diet.
Other than that, things are mostly swell. There have been some major shifts in my attitude for the better:
-I’m learning to give things up. I felt an impulse to toss away some things. Trinkets. Clothes. Old memories. It’s been hard to let go but I need to make room for the things I value most now.
-I told myself (shameful that it was quite recent too) that I should give drawing up. I barely have the time and certainly haven’t developed the basic skills so the process is difficult to enjoy. I told myself that instead, I should focus on one or two things to excel at rather than spread myself thin. I just needed someone to knock some sense in to me to make me realize that I didn’t have a sensible reason to stop. I may be girl with too many dreams but that’s alright. I think I’m okay with that. This idea of self-improvement is what pushes me forward and makes me happy in whatever form it takes. I don’t need to be a master at any one thing. It isn’t ever too late to get better at something.
-I’m getting much better at not comparing myself to others. Everyone’s in a different stage in their life. Gotta’ put the blinders on and focus on my own goals and dreams. In the end, being first or last is no matter. What really matters is where I want to be and to make sure I’ll get there while giving myself the patience to do it at a comfortable pace. I’m going to work hard and do my best.