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me, mom and dad.

I messed up today. Had a cup of green tea and now I’m paying the price. Half impulse and the other half was because I felt like I needed to preoccupy myself over dinner with my parents. I took a sip, enjoyed it, and I guess I just lost myself in it.

It was the first time ever having a meal together like that. Just me, my mom and my dad. Not sure what I was expecting when I agreed to go out but it was a very awkward engagement. We were in a Japanese restaurant that had just opened up that my dad wanted to try. They were both sitting across from me, my dad on the left and my mom on the right. My dad, a mess as usual; his hair was unkempt and he could have fastened up another button on his shirt. My mom looked overdressed next to him, wearing a red paisley dress, fitted and sleeveless, which she paired with a white belt. Her makeup was done meticulously as always. She took a long time getting ready for such a casual thing. She kind of made me feel embarrassed that I didn’t put on makeup on or wear anything nice but taking close to two hours in the washroom… she didn’t give me much time either.

I’m sitting in front them, watching them talk to each other, not expecting them to talk to me. It’s the same thing ever since I was a kid. I don’t have conversations with my parents. It just never happened growing up. My dad worked the night shifts so we’d barely even see him. My mom was a homemaker and she would would call us for dinner, bring us to the bus stop, tell us when to sleep but she’d never talked to us. We grew up like that. We had parents that raised us but didn’t get to know us. It had a huge impact on us siblings and our relationship to each other. To this day, we’re like housemates. We come in and out, barely acknowledging each other when we cross paths. It’s been so long that it seems normal to keep things this way but now that we know what normal flourishing relationships should be like, deep down we know it’s a weird states of things. It’s hard to break the mold when it’s all that it’s been.

I tried to start something. I told my mom about how I spent time with someone in the States who was half Singaporean. I thought she’d be more excited or curious but beyond simple amusement she didn’t say anything more. I quickly gave up and just focused on my tea. It was a green tea and I was convincing myself that maybe it would help me with my jet lag (yeah right). My parents continued talking to each other so I tuned them out and fiddled on phone for a while. After a bit, I looked up, made eye contact with my mom and she started talking to me about the World Cup. She told me that France had won. I was shocked. Most of everything that my mom has ever said to me had to do with something with her life or my life and nothing outside of that. I couldn’t believe that she was chit-chatting with me. It was so foreign and so astounding. I asked her how she knew this and I assumed that she must of heard it from coworkers but she told me she got up early to watch the match. I asked her why and she told me that it was the finals, implying that that alone made it very important. I wanted to keep her talking. I asked her who France lost to and after confirming with my dad, she told me it was Croatia.

It’s so hard for me to convey how such a simple exchange of words blew me away. My relationship with both parents is a weird one and not something many would understand. The moment was extremely short (it was the only form of chitchat that night or possibly the year) and the information itself not profound but that very interaction solidified a thought that first arose in May (write about it next time): there is a lot to learn about my mom. I barely know who she is and there are a lot of unexpected sides to her. She’s been very willing to take steps outside this weird relationship I’ve had with her my entire life which has only felt supervisory. I see things improving between us and it makes me very happy.

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LA

I’m in L.A. and very exhausted. Night after night my hours of sleep are cut too short. Last night we all had trouble sleeping through the heatwave because we have no AC. The night before, our place was being circled by a LAPD helicopter chasing a felon and we figured it wasn’t a good time to be asleep. Can’t just blame the city; I’ve been at fault too. There’s work that I should be doing but I’ve been out with friends, making up for lost time. All worth it, it makes me happy.

I got to play Drummania yesterday and I was so excited that I was shaking after my first game. I haven’t played in the longest time. I failed some songs that I would usually pass but I managed to get them all right the second time around. It was hard for me to step away. I miss the game. I should play more on my own machine.

It’s been a rough week. It’s been fatigue and work mostly but something horrifying also happened to me a couple days ago. I had a homeless person grab my ass. I don’t know why, but when I felt a squeeze, I spun around expecting a friend who was trying to dick around. Which friend would do that, I don’t know. When I spun around and saw someone I didn’t recognize and bedraggled, I froze. I was frightened for a second when he stepped towards me and all I could manage to do was say “Can’t you not?” and he walked away. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t more angry or hostile. I think I was just too shocked by the situation. I held up my phone to call the police but I stopped myself because I didn’t want to chase after him. I really regret that.

+Forgot to add that I accidentally left my cell in an Uber ride. Thankfully I got it back within minutes but it was still very stressful. As he said, we wouldn’t have seen The New World if it were not for that though.

Anyways, just one more day to go and then it’s smooth sailing from there.

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cages at sea

Standing at the shore I wasn’t sure if I was looking at barriers or strategically-placed boulders that were meant to break tides. They weren’t obstructive to the setting sun but they definitely stole the focus, robbing the limelight of a star. It was a strange scene, some dozen ominous forms, sitting somewhere in the middle of an empty beach at low tide. A curious mind wanders and, as always, I wander with it towards the unknown. As I drew closer, I could slowly make out the shapes. Color began to take form and that form was consistent between them all. They were lobster traps, side by side, in three neat lines. Someone had probably just set them up, anticipating the night tide.

I learned about lobster traps from Runescape, actually. It was by no means an accurate depiction of using the actual things. My character would crouch down, knees on the dock, dunk a cage much too small into a whirlpool (a whirlpool indicated there was something to fish), shimmy it — a little left and little right — and then stand back up within a couple seconds. It was labor intensive and looked much more like panning for gold while breaking your knees. Anyways, I’d fish for a ton of lobsters, cook them in a fire (which was also on you knees), and sell them off to people who bought hundreds and thousands at a time who needed them for HP, fighting high-level creatures. It’s funny how characters could pack away 20+ lobsters and eat them in an instant even with shell on and all. I wish lobster was that easy to eat in real life.

There were a bunch of cages, piled high in front of a lighthouse and a sign advertising that they were being sold for $5. What’s up with that? $5 is less than the cost of a McLobster. I wonder if it’s easy to use. Venture out when it’s low tide and when the diurnal tides cycle through, you come back to a cage full of lobsters?

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him, digital and me, analog. [inpsalmnia no. 14]

He invited me to lay on him. I shimmy over. One ear against his chest and he cups my other ear under his hand. What he was really offering me was warmth. He’s saying something but he doesn’t realize that he’s muffled and I can’t understand him. I don’t bother to acknowledge. No need for interruption here. His fingers slowly move along my ear with just enough pressure, just the way I like. He’s a natural. Just a muted voice and slow-moving hands. Who ever figured that such powerful-looking hands could be so gentle? A heart beats away under me and it sounds oddly loud. I’m definitely listening too hard ’cause these thumps don’t sound the same. Do they even sound like anyone else’s?

Silence is closer. They’re fitting lyrics from a song, endless, on repeat. We have been fading. We’ve made our mistakes and now we’re feeling tired and worthless. Maybe too worthless for each other. And now we’re watching the clock in our own rooms, miles apart, counting down for different things.

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entwine

I had another dream about you last night.

We were in a different city, in what looked like to be an urbanized forest. It was multi-level. There were a lot wooden stairs and bridges that allowed you to move up closer to the treetops. There were lots of young people around, mostly in their 20s. We might have been at a conference or convention of some sort. We were climbing a rope ladder. Even the rungs were rope. You were waiting for me. Only when I got to the same rung, you started to move again. It was easier to climb together because of the tension. We went up, side by side, moving in sync. When we got to the end, you pulled yourself up on the platform. And when it was my turn, I was had a lot of trouble pulling my weight up but you helped me, of course.

We were by a suspended tree house with a large deck that we were sitting around on. We might have been waiting around for something but I don’t know what. There were lots of other people sitting around too, some of which were your friends. You threw an arm around me. It shocked me but it was nice. I never expected you to do something like that, let alone in public. And just a second later, with the same arm, you lowered it down and intertwined our fingers. I squeezed your hand. I accepted it completely.

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one step.

One step at a time.

I went out for a run tonight. Raced the rainclouds home and I beat ’em. I meant to go out with a friend but I thought it would be better to spend more time in solitude. I think I made a wise choice.

I finally found the charger for my camera battery. I’ve been looking for it for a couple of years now. I’m looking forward to start shooting again.

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stop, repeat.

Redbone was playing in the background on repeat. It was one of the rare songs we could agree on. I’m not exactly sure what had came over me but I was crying the hardest I had ever in my life. I couldn’t stop myself. He kept holding onto me as long as it took. My tears and mucus made the shirt sopping wet on his chest. I kept crying and he kept reminding me that it wasn’t worth it.

I felt so small in his arms, smaller than I remember. Maybe I was feeling especially vulnerable but the more likely scenario was that climbing had really changed his body. All this time, maybe all I really needed was to be held.