I’m sure this question is difficult for everyone. I’ve been feeling down the last couple of days but I’m going to give it a shot.
I don’t exactly know what it is but when I think about my highest peaks of happiness, it involves me interacting with wild animals. It’s a fleeting happiness; it’s extremely short-lived but I don’t think I can think of anything that makes me happier at a single moment. From taking pictures of them, to simply watching them do their thing, to getting as close as I possibly can to them and possibly touching them. Is that strange? I’ve been trying to link it to a childhood experience but the closest thing can think of is my Gr. 3 obsession with Pokemon and I’m pretty sure it’s not that. Even before then I was carrying around animal books and running around catching grasshoppers and lizards.
My two absolute happiness moments in my life were either catching frogs in Ubud, Bali or feeding pigeons in Plaça de Catalunya, Barcelona. For the Bali frogs, I remember having one in each hand, laughing hysterically in a dark pathway at night. I’m sure locals thought I was crazy and tourists thought I may have been a witch. I was even planning how many I could put in my knapsack to take back to my place (they had a beautiful outdoor shower + bathtub) but my good senses kicked in… and I only took two back. Of course, I let them go after watching them for a bit. For the Barcelona pigeons, I was so happy that I couldn’t help but cry when I had four, five pigeons eating for my hand at a time. I loved doing that so much, we went back and I fed them again on a separate occasion.
It’s kind of scary to think that perhaps no human can make me happier than an animal can. I don’t even understand this part of myself so I don’t expect others to understand it either. Don’t get me wrong; I know it’s bad. I know a lot of people who are really against all interaction with wildlife and I feel extremely guilty about it. I’m learning to better behave myself; you won’t catch me feeding bears or taking animals home anymore. I’ve been channeling my strange obsession to simply taking photographs and collecting skulls. It’s one of my longterm dreams to get a snazzy camera and shoot NatGeo-quality one day.
I think a more persisting kind of happiness and my biggest go-to is discovering and experiencing new things. I love seeing new places, eating new things, meeting new people and putting myself in situations that excite me in general. I think this goes hand-in-hand with learning about cultures which I also enjoy doing. I like to spend everyday doing something new. I don’t do it so much when I’m in Toronto although I do generally try to spend the night out and do something interesting on the weekends given the money and time. But when I’m out of town, believe me, I go full out. I think it’s pretty easy for me to find appreciation in all places, even those that deserve a little more love. Of course, there are only so many new things in this world and what I end up doing it chasing that high, spending a lot of money on flights, food and things in general. I want to eat as many different things (especially sweets, bring me all the sweets), see as much as I can, and have as many different conversations before I hit the ground.
I have accepted that I’m a materialist and I I love material things. I grew up in a low-income family and I spent a lot of my childhood wearing pre-owned clothing and using donated things from stores like Value Village (a thrift store here). I was often bullied for being poor and I am very much aware that those experiences might have left a psychological impact on me. I, myself, don’t like to see my possessions as a crutch; they bring joy to my life and things like apparel give me confidence and comfort that I need in my life. I’m sure the guys of The Minimalists would have a lot to say to me. When I come back from a trip, I seriously sit around my home and just bask in my stuff. Stuff upon stuff. I keep a lot of things that remind me of someone or of some occurrence in my life and reflecting on past experiences makes me happy. The grape drink medicine box from Tippling Club that was given to me still makes me smile. I don’t necessarily see it as an unhealthy habit. It by no means stops me from appreciating non-material values. In fact, I think wanting things makes me work harder and smarter to get those things and it just ends up keeping me on my toes. Some people are happier to have work less and have less stuff but I go right the other way. I will work a million times harder to get what I want. I guess you could call me a go-getter. I think part of the happiness comes from staying true to myself. I try not to deprive myself of the things that bring me joy and comfort.
Along with staying true to myself, I am obsessed with productivity. There’s something about getting things done or checking things off my to-do list that is just so fulfilling. It feels good. (There are dangers about this from a book I’m reading called Smarter, Faster, Better by Charles Duhigg) Maybe that’s why I’m running all the time. They say exercise produces endorphins, endorphins boost productivity. I think being productive is just a way of convincing myself that I am making good use of my time. Also, I like seeing myself get better at something. Who doesn’t?
I am definitely less dependent on people than the typical person. I don’t get lonely easily and I enjoy doing a lot of things on my own. However, I am really grateful for the friends I have. I seldom get to spend enough time with the people I like most either because I’m preoccupied with commitments or it’s a flight away and I often feel guilty for not investing more time on them. It doesn’t help that I don’t enjoy chatting via text or online. I think my closer friends have accepted and understood that part of me but sometimes I worry that people feel disconnected from me because I don’t keep touch in that way. I’m also afraid that some of my favourite people don’t even know how much I value them; I’m just simply too shy to tell them so and I don’t really know to express it. I miss my friends often but I seldom ever tell them. I’m going to put more effort into seeing friends after the end of the con season is over.
I’m at the end of this and I do have to say that writing about the things that make me happy makes me feel a lot better. Thanks. +we’ll leave the business endeavours for our top-secret discussions. owo