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him, digital and me, analog. [inpsalmnia no. 14]

He invited me to lay on him. I shimmy over. One ear against his chest and he cups my other ear under his hand. What he was really offering me was warmth. He’s saying something but he doesn’t realize that he’s muffled and I can’t understand him. I don’t bother to acknowledge. No need for interruption here. His fingers slowly move along my ear with just enough pressure, just the way I like. He’s a natural. Just a muted voice and slow-moving hands. Who ever figured that such powerful-looking hands could be so gentle? A heart beats away under me and it sounds oddly loud. I’m definitely listening too hard ’cause these thumps don’t sound the same. Do they even sound like anyone else’s?

Silence is closer. They’re fitting lyrics from a song, endless, on repeat. We have been fading. We’ve made our mistakes and now we’re feeling tired and worthless. Maybe too worthless for each other. And now we’re watching the clock in our own rooms, miles apart, counting down for different things.

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entwine

I had another dream about you last night.

We were in a different city, in what looked like to be an urbanized forest. It was multi-level. There were a lot wooden stairs and bridges that allowed you to move up closer to the treetops. There were lots of young people around, mostly in their 20s. We might have been at a conference or convention of some sort. We were climbing a rope ladder. Even the rungs were rope. You were waiting for me. Only when I got to the same rung, you started to move again. It was easier to climb together because of the tension. We went up, side by side, moving in sync. When we got to the end, you pulled yourself up on the platform. And when it was my turn, I was had a lot of trouble pulling my weight up but you helped me, of course.

We were by a suspended tree house with a large deck that we were sitting around on. We might have been waiting around for something but I don’t know what. There were lots of other people sitting around too, some of which were your friends. You threw an arm around me. It shocked me but it was nice. I never expected you to do something like that, let alone in public. And just a second later, with the same arm, you lowered it down and intertwined our fingers. I squeezed your hand. I accepted it completely.

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one step.

One step at a time.

I went out for a run tonight. Raced the rainclouds home and I beat ’em. I meant to go out with a friend but I thought it would be better to spend more time in solitude. I think I made a wise choice.

I finally found the charger for my camera battery. I’ve been looking for it for a couple of years now. I’m looking forward to start shooting again.

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stop, repeat.

Redbone was playing in the background on repeat. It was one of the rare songs we could agree on. I’m not exactly sure what had came over me but I was crying the hardest I had ever in my life. I couldn’t stop myself. He kept holding onto me as long as it took. My tears and mucus made the shirt sopping wet on his chest. I kept crying and he kept reminding me that it wasn’t worth it.

I felt so small in his arms, smaller than I remember. Maybe I was feeling especially vulnerable but the more likely scenario was that climbing had really changed his body. All this time, maybe all I really needed was to be held.

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it’s ceaseless, these nightmares.

More nightmares.

I dreamt I was in a mall, like the really big ones in Asia. I was taking a photo of a group people I just met and I really liked. I wanted something to remember them by. Most of them were a lot younger and very excitable. Before they could stand still for me to get my shot, a massive guy came up behind me and groped me. I told him off. He did it again, almost in a spiteful manner. He didn’t stop. He had a friend who came to do the same who was just as massive. I just kept telling them to stop, go away, and I was yelling that I was being sexually harassed. (Where were my friends at this point?) At this point it came to mind that someone once told me that maybe men misinterpret the tone of voice. I asked myself how that could be possible in this situation. I got extremely aggressive and told him off again. I set one of them off. He threatened to hurt me and kill me. I egged him on. He started towards me. I ran. They both came after me. They didn’t seem to be in any rush to get to me. I ran as fast as I could but when I looked back, they were still coming towards with a menacing saunter. I was going to hit a dead end at the other side of the mall. I was frantically looking for help like security but couldn’t find anyone.

M and I were talking on the phone. He said I could go over to his place but he was preoccupied. He sounded reluctant. I went over. There were people all over his place, laying on the floor. The TV was on but no one seemed to be watching it. M was sitting on a couch with two other women. Like a few others in the room, he was in his underwear. He didn’t seem preoccupied at all. He didn’t acknowledge that I had come in. In fact, no one acknowledged me. No one seemed to care about anything. Was everyone high? He continued talking to the girls next to him, something to do with his sexual endeavors. I felt uncomfortable. I settled myself down among the others, closer to the TV. I laid down, waiting for what, I don’t know. The night went by and he never came around. I felt extremely lonely.