I’ve been starting to crave for a little bit of stability in my life. Due to the entrepreneurial life, I feel like I’m stuck in a state of imbalance and inconsistency. It’s weird that a constant in my life is inconstancy. Ironic, right? And it’s like it won’t be resolved until I hit the ‘eject’ button or maybe pick up yoga… but that’s not going to happen any time soon because I love what I’m doing right now and I hate yoga. Working for myself, it’s all about instability. I deal with a lot of unexpected situations, pay is unpredictable and the days ahead of me are a little unclear. I feel like I always have a million things on my mind and an endless list of things I have to remember to do. When work depends on me to always be on my toes, it gets a little tiring and wears me out.
Sometimes I look at my closest friends and wish I had some parts of what they have in their lives. Having a stable job, having a stable schedule, having regular meet-ups with friends, etc. I don’t think I’ve ever had a stable full-time job but I imagine it would be a little comforting to have consistent hours and a clear idea of what’s going to happen tomorrow or the days ahead. I’ve also never had an office job but something about it is starting to look really appealing to me, especially having one’s own office. I think it’s something about having a workspace that’ll always be there for you that’s yours and not anyone else’s. Right now, the line between work and my personal life is a little blurry and with an office space, it seems really easy to leave work behind and out of mind. It’ll be a while until I’m behind a desk, wearing pencil skirts and drafting docs out the wazoo because I’ve put school aside to work on some more business endeavours.
I think the toughest thing for me right now is that I go weeks and months without seeing the people I love. And it’s hard — not because I need to see them, but I fear that they think that I forget them or don’t value their friendship. It’s a constant worry I have even though it seems like the closest people in my life have already accepted my lifestyle. I’ve never expressed it to any of them but I love them so much for accepting that part of me. It’s hard keeping strong relationships when I’m never around and I’m always hoping deep down that my favourite people are perfectly fine with picking up where we left off.
It’s not that I don’t miss people; I think I’m just a lot less emotional than the average person. I’m just less needy when it comes to constant interaction with friends and family. I’ve been told by my parents that they think I am less caring because I don’t talk so much. I’ve lost friends because they assume that I don’t have time for them. It’s frustrating. It doesn’t help that I don’t chat much online anymore. As time goes on, I just find myself spending more and more time off my phone and that’s what makes me happy. That’s one of the things that makes it difficult to make new friends. Many people can’t seem to understand why I can’t keep in touch or make time for them and they just think I’m just a cold and distant person in general.
While my life is in constant chaos, one thing I can count on are the friends I have now. No matter how long I’m gone or how far away I go, my favourite people are always there and are willing to make time for me. They are among the handful of stable things in my life. I feel so grateful but also guilty that I can’t do the same for them. I’m a little afraid for the day when things settle down for me and they’ll be too busy for me. That, or they become tired of my tendencies before then.
I want to reach a balance of everything some day; I just don’t know when. Whatever instability I have right now, I’m going to continue coping with it, along with all the stresses that it brings along. I might be at the beginning stages of being worn out but I also think I’m just in a love-hate relationship and it’s the case of the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes when I’m home for only a week, I really can’t wait to get on a plane. Maybe the core problem in my life is that I’m always wanting. I’m never really completely happy with what I have; I always want more. Like an appetite that’s never satiated. What’s wrong with me?
Maybe I thrive on this way of living. I am definitely some sort of experience junkie and love to do things I haven’t done before. It’s definitely very mentally stimulating for me. And I guess sometimes the uncertainty is somewhat exciting. It’s interesting to see where I find myself and what I am doing every few days. I don’t even usually like to eat at the same restaurant twice… It’s a life of high excitement with high stress. That’s what I signed myself up for. I really wonder if I’d be happier if things were toned down and a little more balanced in my life…