I think I’m messed up bad.
I’ve felt really off during my whole time in Vancouver. I was letting everything beat me down. A lot of things were not going according to plan, there were too many stressful situations, intense disagreements, and the rain just really sucked. I haven’t been to Van during this time of year so I was completely unprepared for it. I bought myself a waterproof jacket and a waterproof bag for the trip but those things were useless without an umbrella or waterproof shoes. When it rained, I didn’t figure it would rain the entire day, the whole day, every day of the fucking week. I stayed by Stanley Park for a week to do a daily run around it but there wasn’t ever a clear day so I never got to. Sure, I could have ran in the rain but I’m sure that would have sucked even more. I was already so frustrated with my forever wet socks and shoes.
These last couple of days especially fucked me up. Circumstances just left me feeling unemotionally unstable and craving for something to fill some sort of void. I don’t exactly know what I’m missing but I know I want much more than what I have now. And if there isn’t anything specific that I’m looking for, is it possible I just have the wrong attitude? Am I fine?
“Are you having a quarter life crisis?”
I think I might be. I don’t know what came over me, but I hung out with someone new and I just spilled everything and put everything on the table. My vulnerabilities, my shortfalls, history of my miserable childhood and my broken family. How the hell did I talk so much about myself? Fuck. I think I just really related to him when he told me about his messy life. And I think he had just enough charm and eloquence, asking me about certain things. Fuck. I feel weak, exposed and naked. That’s also probably why I feel so shitty.
I didn’t take the year off for any reason but to work on a few projects while travelling. But I think that soul-searching and that existentialism crap is starting to get to me. I think I’m looking for a more concrete understanding of what’s going on in my life. Fuck, what is wrong with me? I think going from city to city, I’m getting glimpses of the relatively static lives of people and it’s starting to feel like I’m doing something wrong. I know deep down I’m not, but it’s habit for me to second-guess myself in everything that I do. I am happy with how I’m doing things now but and I’ve been asking myself whether it’s time wasted. If I’m happy and enjoying myself, does it really matter? I’m ashamed to say that I’m not sure. I often feel like I’m supposed have a more confidence in what I’m doing, and completely invest myself in it. While I’m investing all my time into business, I’m still limited as there’s a kind of deadline when school starts up again. I also feel like I can’t fully invest my time in school because I can’t let go of my big dreams with biz. I’ve put too much on my plate again, haven’t I?
I’m starting to question where I want to be, and where I want to spend my life. If we set up a storefront on Queen, will I regret not being able to be so transient? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in Toronto? What about my idea about living in Singapore for a year or two? There are definitely some gaps that I need to fill.
Anyways, I’m on my way home after being away for a month. Maybe being back will help me resynchronize and clear my head for a bit.
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On another note, I never intended for the last post to start such a big conflict between people. I’m sorry about that. Again, I think we just have to be conscious that people have sensitivities that we should be respect. And maybe an eye-catching blog-post-title can make an exception.