I hate my dad’s side of the family. I’m spending almost all my time with them during my stay in Johor Bahru out of obligation. They’re too conservative, too strict, and way too narrow-minded. I grew up in Canada. It’s pretty obvious I’m an unconservative girl. I have tats. I show a lot of skin sometimes. I say what I mean and feel. But when I’m with them, I have to hide and suppress everything to avoid being labeled the bad kid. Because if I’m the bad kid, not only do I get the rap, but my mother will get the blame. They bully her. “She didn’t teach her kids better”. It’s messed up.
I’ve been meeting up with extended family today and people keep telling me what to do.
“Put food on your grandma’s dish.”
I had an auntie tell me this multiple times when my grandma clearly said she didn’t want anymore food. People don’t mean what they say in this family. “No” means “yes” and it’s very fucking frustrating and confusing. My uncle once told me a story about the time he went to London for his law studies. He told me how he was offered tea and when he refused it he was very shocked that he didn’t get any. Tough shit.
“Thank your auntie.”
I fucking thanked her at the beginning of the meal for covering it. How many times do I have to bend over for everyone? What am I, a kid? I’m in my mid-twenties for god sake. I know what I’m fucking doing. Why is everyone treating me like I’m six? I fucking hate people telling what to do. I feel like there is no consideration and respect for me as a being. Fuck. On a side note, sometimes I hate people paying for my meals because if I don’t show the right visible emotional responses, people assume I don’t appreciate the gesture because “thanks” is not enough. People expect too much out of me.
Speaking of which, expectations of me are really fucking stupid. I’ve discussed this with a few Asian friends and it doesn’t seem like a thing within their families, but for mine, at least on my dad’s side, if you’re the youngest person at the table, you’re expected to pour tea for everyone, running around like a fucking dog during the meal and refilling anything that isn’t full. I realized this silent expectation the year before the last. I don’t even drink Chinese tea, okay? But when the second youngest (he’s in his late forties) realized I wasn’t doing my job, he took on the tea bitch role. It was a sad sight. It’s degrading and pitiful. I refuse to be anyone’s tea-pouring slave no matter how much shit they talk about me behind my back. At a later dinner, someone mentioned how times have changed, being a stupid melodramatic fuck complaining about a time when young people would pour tea. FUUCK YOU.
Another thing that bothers me is that people make too many assumptions of me.
Can you imagine how much criticism I get when I tell people I don’t eat rice? “Ho mia, ah”. They all call me spoil. Either that or they just assumed and tell each other that I’m just scared of gaining weight, right in front of me. That’s something else I hate about the family. At meals, I’m basically sitting there, listening to people talk about me to each other. Not with me. It’s messed. I’m like a child and simply there, along for the ride. No one seems interested in getting to know who I am. They just want to hear about how I haven’t failed in life as a member of the family.
“Oh, you don’t have a boyfriend? It’s because you’re too skinny. You have to eat more rice to look healthy. ”
FUCK.
Day’s still going on. Maybe I’ll have a couple more things to add in a bit. But fuck, I had to get this down and out.