I feel like I’ve lost everyone. One by one, people that had a special place in my life have vanished.
Losing Marshall was out of my control. I thought he was going to live forever though. Some time before he received diagnosis, we had ended up on a bad note. I barely even remember what we had been arguing about. We spent weeks not speaking to each other until he broke the silence, telling me of the news. I was too proud, stubborn and stupid. And now I’m forever guilty. Cancer was the one that robbed me of a life I loved. There was nothing I could do to change fate but I wonder about all the other people — the ones who abandoned me. Could I have changed the outcome?
Like Eggs, whose e-mail I couldn’t help but read all over again. “I will not forget you, but I cannot be there for you.” I couldn’t help but respond with hostility and I was harsh. Even now, I feel sorry. I was too bitter over a broken promise and it took me a long time to understand that that was what it took for him to be happy and that’s what’s important. Though since, I’ve learned to temper my expectations and it’s hard for me to truly believe that someone will be there no matter what.
Reading his letter it seems that he and I are not too different. He writes, “I think I feel at ease when I am living for someone else”. My flaw to a tee. I pity him; he under the hold of the same affliction. I myself want to change, truly. I’ve been reminded that a happiness contingent on another is neither true or lasting. But for him, he seems to accept this, yielding to his true nature. I wonder how that’s fared for him and how he is now. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.
What about all those who I trusted to have my back? Seems like I can’t ever expect those who turn malicious. Have I been too quick to trust? What did I do wrong?
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I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore but I don’t want to lose you either. It’s tearing me apart. I want to do the right thing for both of us. I hope that is something you can understand. I truly hope that you know that I love you and I’m trying my best to do the right thing.
Pull through. Be compassionate. Be patient. Long view.
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I need someone around more than ever but… who is going to be there for me?