It’s perpetual analysis paralysis. I had to hear it from someone to realize it. I’ll do all that I can to avoid facing anxiety and I can’t seem to make decisions because of it. I’m constantly scared of saying the wrong thing, making the wrong decision and most of all, hurting someone in the end.
I’m terribly afraid of letting people down and I’ve grown up doing nothing but that. All I wanted as a child was some sort of recognition but for whatever reason, my parents didn’t give me it. They only saw and pointed out what I couldn’t achieve and never what I could. Not once, ever, did they express any sort of pride and I wanted that so bad. It took me a long time to realize that any attempt to gain it would be futile for the rest of my life.
I didn’t have friends for the majority of my adolescence but things are much different now. I am fortunate to have many friends who will support and encourage me in the things that I do and to be the person that I am. It’s so true and dear to me that I don’t want to lose any of it. It’s so dear that I’ll do whatever to it takes to keep those connections there, even in self-destructing ways. I try to rationalize many relationships in my life including those that are undoubtedly unhealthy.
That’s where I fall short. I need to be better to myself. I need to put into focus what is good for me in long and lasting ways. I’m doing my best. I really am. We all are.
Please be patient with me.