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slimmin n trimmin

For the last few days, after waking up, I’ve been spending some time in bed, running my hands along my body and man, I’m liking what I feel. I’ve been running, on average, around 30km a week for almost a month now. Some weeks a little more and some a little less. I initially wanted to do 40km per but it’s harder than I thought to find time for myself. Regardless, I’ve been more disciplined than ever before and it hasn’t been hard for me to find the motivation to get out the door. That rhyme was unintentional. I do have my off-days but I’m generally okay. Even today I did 11km although I had about five hours of sleep. Not bad, eh?  I’m going to feel damn exhausted in a few hours though…

There have definitely been some tricks to help keep myself on track. I think it’s been really helpful having a concrete distance goal; that way, I can plan out my weeks in advance and ensure that I can set aside the time for my runs no matter how packed it may be. I used to run at night but lately I’ve been running in the mornings and early afternoons. By doing my laps first in the day, I’m more likely to have the energy and to fully commit to it. Before, I would leave my runs for last, after everything else in a day and I would often use an outing that ended much too late as an excuse to skip a night run. Now that I’ve been reserving this time for myself, it has encourage me to make people work around my schedule instead of the other way around and my decision to run generally does not depends on other events planned in my day. It’s great. I’m giving myself the time to work on me, which is something that always keeps me going. I’ve also paired running with tuning into podcasts and it definitely has been keeping me really entertained. This week I’ve learned a lot about cockroaches, walruses and Sea-Monkeys. Did you know walruses can be around 3000 pounds? And Sea-Monkeys are actually human-altered brine shrimp? An hour goes by much faster than listening to the same ol’ run track I use. When it comes to bringing yourself exercise, I’ve heard it’s very helpful to do things step-by-step. Instead of sitting around, battling with idea of going to the gym, etc., it generally helps when you just start by put on your gym clothes and running shoes first. At that point, you’re just one step closer and you’re more likely to pull through. I totally think it works. For me, strangely, it’s taking a shower and putting on makeup almost as soon as I wake up. I feel like once I prepare myself for the day, it’s a waste and it’s quite hard for me to sit at home. Makeup’s expensive shit, man. And thank god I usually don’t sweat. When I’m done my run my makeup’s still fresh and I’m good to go for the day. Having a routine in general definitely helps too. I think it helps condition body and mind to be ready for the dash. I always give myself some time to sip on decaffeinated Earl Grey and listen to opera to help wake myself up. Having all these things together just gives me all the willpower and now it’s all easy-peasy.

It’s just really exciting that I can finally see some results. I haven’t looked at a scale at all but there’s no denying that I’m losing some flab. I’m nowhere as skinny as I want to be but I’m very satisfied with where I am now. No more belly spilling over my waistband, my sweats are starting to feel loose around my thighs and butt, and running in general is so much easier without all those extra pounds. I just need another month. Another thing I’m super happy about.. I know it’s not the way to go but having been running so much, I haven’t had to pay much attention to my diet at all. I eat what I like, until I can’t anymore. I think my meals are general pretty healthy but I haven’t cut down on my sweets at all and I eat a lot. Maybe around 100g of chocolate a day? Just a couple of nights ago, I essentially finished a large bag of Ruffles All Dressed chips on my own. And I’m still losing weight. I have to say that’s pretty sweeeet.

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Woke up from an ant crawling on my body… signs of spring.

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asleep apparently

Spring back.

I had a really tough time getting myself to do anything today. It took me two hours to get up from my bed and another two to get out for my run. I just felt so exhausted. I think a little more than usual, even. It might have been because I took melatonin a little too late last night.

I’ve been using an app to monitor my sleep these past couple of nights and my graphs are pretty wild. I only have two nights to look at but they both have crazy undulations because I’m waking around four times a night. It also records my snoring. I’ve been told before and yes, I definitely do snore. It’s not nice to listen to. This snoring thing is very much a recent thing… I know it keeps people up when I’m rooming with them so I hope it there’s something I can do about it. It’s awful to be kept up… I hate the idea of putting people through that. This sleep app also has Satie’s Gymnopedie no. 1 as an alarm option. Naise. My favorite piano piece. Anyways, lights out, app on. Let’s try this thing out again.

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push and pull.

“You cannot live trying never to hurt anyone. It’s not possible. What you CAN do, is love people and trust your friendships. Trust that they’re resilient enough to withstand the ebbs and flows of life.”

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sick sick sick pt. 1

I spoke too soon. I woke up with a fever today. I don’t know what the hell is going on with me but it’s the third fever I’ve had this year and it’s definitely been the most I’ve ever been sick in such a short period of time. Is my body failing me? Am I dying?

I think it might have been the AC. My friends had set it to 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Way too cold for me. I was freezing last night, even with covers. Woke up with aches, both from the fever and me trying to huddle all night to retain some heat.

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from Honolulu

I’m feeling much better today after some sufficient hours of sleep. Sufficient, but not ideal. I didn’t mention it in the last post but I’m writing from Honolulu. Love that humidity and heat; hate that full-blast AC. I haven’t had much opportunity to explore yet but I’ve done some island things. Beach day, coconut shrimp, wore a lei. It’s my fourth time in Hawaii so I’m not stressin’ over it much. Right now my priorities’ to catch up on sleep and lay off the alcohol for a bit so my body can recover. And maybe when I’m feeling good again, I’ll spend time running and swimming by Waikiki so I can eat without restraint. Four times and I’ve only ever been to Oahu. It’s a shame. I really want to check out the other islands and I was very close to going to Maui last year but I heard it’s tough to get around without a vehicle. In due time, I suppose.

It’s two months into the year and it feels like time is going by way too fucking fast. I think it’s because this year, more than ever, I’m constantly keeping myself stimulated. Physically and mentally. I’m constantly moving and constantly preoccupying myself with an endless number of things to do and think about. I’m not giving myself a lot of down time but it’s kind of nice; I like this pace. But when am I going to burn out?

Lately, I’ve been especially consumed by learning and absorbing as much information as I can. Different things depending on how much energy I have. I already spend a lot of time and effort to learn about the things that interested me — learning new words, about animals, understanding cultural differences, familiarizing myself with new opera arias, etc. But what I’ve been trying to do this year is to spend more time learning about things that I’m not interested it. Sometimes it’s tough but I’m putting in the effort. There are just some things that I simply don’t have the patience for and I need to get over that eventually. Like using spreadsheets… I am especially impatient when it comes to technology, politics and pop culture. But I kinda wanna be a polymath, ya know? Again, in due time.

You’re addicted to progress.

Is progress a short-lived and false sense of happiness? It’s a worrying thought sometimes. Maybe there are more valuable, more lasting forms of happiness I could be spending time to develop…

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no pants, no phone.

I woke up with no pants and no phone.

I did a bit of drinking last night but not more than I usually drink. I’m a little freaked out because I don’t remember anything after a certain point. This is the second time that my memory is completely shot from a night of drinking.

I’ve maybe seen you half blackout drunk maybe once in the 5 years I’ve known you, Liz.

The first time was in New York, this January. I was sharing a bottle of wine with a friend but since he had a cocktail, I didn’t realize that I was virtually drinking the bottle to myself. He was pouring, I was sipping. Top that off with two amari (plural of amaro; just learned that) and gin straight up… and I was already well past my limit. When I blacked out, I was at an event called Sleep No More. It was a theatrical performance based on Macbeth that took place at the six-floor McKittrick Hotel. People act throughout the whole place, simultaneously, and you can watch it from wherever you decide to go. People do different things in different rooms and different floors so every performance is a dissimilar experience for every person. Just imagine a Shakespearean haunted house minus the haunted part. You’d walk into one room and people would be fighting each other, and, in another, a lady’s washing blood off her hands. That sort of thing. And we all had to wear masks. They were meant to enhance the performance, stripping identity from the guests to direct focus on the actors. It was a beautiful place to be in and I wasted the experience by getting drunk.

I think it was less than hour before I went down. But before that point, I was mean. I think the anonymity the mask gave struck up some impish impulses. I was toying with people. I got face-to-face with them, laughing at them, circling them. It hurts me to think that I was interfering with people’s enjoyment of the show but at the time, I very consciously did that. I got brave… and dumb. I also stole a mask. I really wanted one as a memento so I shoved it in my waistband. One mask on my head and another on my butt. But the masks were already meant for guests to take home at the end of the night… What a steal. When I passed out, I was in pretty close proximity to a couple of actors, doing their thing, so my friend told me that people thought I might have been part of the show. I eventually got kicked out and carried out by security guards. Guards, plural. Apparently I was really heavy.

I was with a couple of friends and I feel extremely guilty and I owe them both. Got separated from one of them and the other had to take care of me the entire night. He said I was saying a bunch of stuff but I couldn’t imagine myself saying those sort of things. Things like demanding for him to take care of me. Christ. I was a mess and I lost the scarf J got me…

Last night I did things I don’t remember. I woke up without my pants. They weren’t even in the same room. I had panties on and I was wearing everything else. I know this is a pretty disconcerting situation but I can’t help but think thank god I wasn’t on my period. I was due to have it sometime these few days. Anyways, I was at an Airbnb that my friends were staying at. I didn’t wake up next to any one. I interrogated my friends. I was trying to understand what had happened. Four out of five people had already went to sleep before I knocked out. The remaining friend carried me to the sofa. I asked him about my pants and he had no clue about them. Did I take them off? And apparently I had gotten up in the middle of the night and jumped into the bed with two boys to sleep. And I must have done so without pants. I don’t remember taking off my pants. I don’t even remember moving to the bed.

….Are you sure they’re not roofieing you?

Someone that I just met did pour me a drink. Apple flavoured Ciroc. It was disgustingly sweet even with a ton of ice but he was carping about the bottle being $40 so I drank it to be polite.

I hate that we live in a world where we would have to worry about this. But… Just take care…

I’m pretty confident that nothing crazy happened and my friends assured me so but it’s a little frightening not to remember what happened just a few hours ago. I think the mostly likely scenario was that I was feeling really uncomfortable so I pulled them off and then move to the bed to sleep(?).

I felt very lost without my pants and my phone. I found my pants pretty quickly; they were somewhere by the sofa. But my friend had thought I had left so he took my phone with him. Also, I had a show to run at 10 so I couldn’t even go home to shower and fix myself up.

Just look after yourself, ok?

I promise to be more careful. Not just for myself. The people I love don’t need unnecessary worry. I still don’t really know what happened though. I’ve been drinking for a long time now. I know my limits very well… or at least I thought I did… so I don’t know how I’m slipping up like this. I’m losing my grip on things a little. What’s wrong with me? I’m better than this.

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self project(ion)

Do you think I lack empathy?

“I think you have a tendency to seem disinterested or cold. Which could be interpreted as lack of empathy. But no, I don’t think you lack empathy. Not more than the average person.”

“…I’d say yeah a little bit. I think you have different priorities then the norm that makes you that way… I think you’re a little more selfish due to the fact that you’re always trying to get ahead of the game and improve yourself so you just have a different way of thinking.”

“Hm well i dunno if you lack it or you simply choose not to show it. But sometimes i wish you did? Lol … I think you’ve grown negativily in certain aspects over these past few years.”

“Your family exhibited no examples of empathetic concern. Your template is flawed. It’s awfully hard to re-learn how to approach the world when you’re an adult – once those coping mechanisms have ossified and you’ve managed to find survival strategies that mostly work.”