Last night,
I had a dream about you. We kissed. We hadn’t kissed in so long. We just got so lost into it and there wasn’t an end until I woke up.
Protected: I sent you a letter.
fickl 2
It’s perpetual analysis paralysis. I had to hear it from someone to realize it. I’ll do all that I can to avoid facing anxiety and I can’t seem to make decisions because of it. I’m constantly scared of saying the wrong thing, making the wrong decision and most of all, hurting someone in the end.
I’m terribly afraid of letting people down and I’ve grown up doing nothing but that. All I wanted as a child was some sort of recognition but for whatever reason, my parents didn’t give me it. They only saw and pointed out what I couldn’t achieve and never what I could. Not once, ever, did they express any sort of pride and I wanted that so bad. It took me a long time to realize that any attempt to gain it would be futile for the rest of my life.
I didn’t have friends for the majority of my adolescence but things are much different now. I am fortunate to have many friends who will support and encourage me in the things that I do and to be the person that I am. It’s so true and dear to me that I don’t want to lose any of it. It’s so dear that I’ll do whatever to it takes to keep those connections there, even in self-destructing ways. I try to rationalize many relationships in my life including those that are undoubtedly unhealthy.
That’s where I fall short. I need to be better to myself. I need to put into focus what is good for me in long and lasting ways. I’m doing my best. I really am. We all are.
Please be patient with me.
mutually assured destruction
I’ve lost everyone.
I feel like I’ve lost everyone. One by one, people that had a special place in my life have vanished.
Losing Marshall was out of my control. I thought he was going to live forever though. Some time before he received diagnosis, we had ended up on a bad note. I barely even remember what we had been arguing about. We spent weeks not speaking to each other until he broke the silence, telling me of the news. I was too proud, stubborn and stupid. And now I’m forever guilty. Cancer was the one that robbed me of a life I loved. There was nothing I could do to change fate but I wonder about all the other people — the ones who abandoned me. Could I have changed the outcome?
Like Eggs, whose e-mail I couldn’t help but read all over again. “I will not forget you, but I cannot be there for you.” I couldn’t help but respond with hostility and I was harsh. Even now, I feel sorry. I was too bitter over a broken promise and it took me a long time to understand that that was what it took for him to be happy and that’s what’s important. Though since, I’ve learned to temper my expectations and it’s hard for me to truly believe that someone will be there no matter what.
Reading his letter it seems that he and I are not too different. He writes, “I think I feel at ease when I am living for someone else”. My flaw to a tee. I pity him; he under the hold of the same affliction. I myself want to change, truly. I’ve been reminded that a happiness contingent on another is neither true or lasting. But for him, he seems to accept this, yielding to his true nature. I wonder how that’s fared for him and how he is now. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.
What about all those who I trusted to have my back? Seems like I can’t ever expect those who turn malicious. Have I been too quick to trust? What did I do wrong?
//
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore but I don’t want to lose you either. It’s tearing me apart. I want to do the right thing for both of us. I hope that is something you can understand. I truly hope that you know that I love you and I’m trying my best to do the right thing.
Pull through. Be compassionate. Be patient. Long view.
//
I need someone around more than ever but… who is going to be there for me?
on his side of the world
I was listening to Alessia Cara being interviewed on the radio
And in my mind I just kept thinking God she sounds exactly like you
Even some of her phrases are similar to what I recall you saying out of habit
Such a gorgeously raspy, pleasant and downright sexy voice. You’ve got that down. Keep believing and take good care on your side of the world
I often think of you. We don’t talk often but it’s assuring to know that you think of me too. I wonder what’s currently on your giant whiteboard and what great things you have lined up for yourself.
steal a starfish
I’m writing from VAN. Facebook reminded me of a video that I had taken around the same time of year, last year. It’s of a mink struggling to pull a crab (or dinner, I presume) through a hole in a concrete barrier which was blocking its way into the forest. It didn’t seem capable of understanding that the hole wasn’t big enough but it tried over and over again without rest. It was definitely one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in my life. I was lucky to see that during a run around the sea wall. On that same run, I spooked a seagull, causing it to drop a starfish it was intending to eat. I managed to steal the starfish for a moment and when I let it have it back, I watched it swallow it whole. Man, what a terrifying sight. Animals and food and instincts, I suppose.
Everyone keeps telling me the same thing here: I came just at the right time for beautiful weather. Apparently there had just been a heatwave that lasted for a bit. It makes me desperately want to run again. It’s been a couple of weeks since. Been too busy dealing with with work and lack of sleep but I’m hoping for some mood and energy for the coming week. Here’s hoping especially cause this week has been extremely rough on me. I’ve been feeling lonely and defeated but friends have been kind, still. I’m fortunate. And though things are piling up and have been upsetting me, days are better, certainly. Been drinking a little too much again but it’s been helping me get some things off my chest.
//
Watery eyes and three unsettling words.
too
kia
su.
//
SWEET LA
I took a couple days to recharge and feeling much better now, happy to finally spend some hours in solitude. I’ve been kind to myself. Lots of laying and sitting around, being relatively idle. Even ended the day quite early yesterday because I was tired. I’m learning not to push myself so hard and to turn people down when I need to.
I’ve been eating some pretty amazing food. Lots of fried chicken and heavily spiced jambalaya. And I’m munching on some killer Elysian peels while I type. Classic beignets are OK. A little too bland and dense for my liking but I’m happy to have tried them. I much prefer lighter, elevated versions I’ve found in hipster or ritzy places.
Shitty weather but a good day. Don’t feel pressured or rushed to do anything though I have an upcoming flight tonight. Saw a couple of lizards, one with a bright red dewlap. Couldn’t catch em but I was closer than usual.