Author: L.A.

Connection in Dulles. I’m fighting through my most severe bout of insomnia but I feel like a lot of pressure has finally been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve been spending all week packing a total of five luggages. S. & M. are helping me run a con while I’m handling some others, mostly on the West coast. I owe ’em one. It took me a lot longer than expected to pack, leaving barely any time for myself. I regret that I couldn’t spend more time with friends before I’m away for a month or more. On the bright side, packing list’s finally out of mind, no more stressing over customs taking me in for further inspection, and now I have a few hours to shut my brain off. Maybe, fingers crossed, I can finally fall asleep.

I’m spending a few days in New Orleans. I’m quite happy to have a last-minute opportunity to be in city I haven’t been to before. I’m making myself hungry just thinking about Cajun, Cajun, Cajun and beignet’s in C.’s honor.

God, kill me already. I can no longer wait to rest.

I’ve been thinking about you. I know you’re not happy and I really want you to be. I’ve been considering to message but I always stop myself, thinking it’s best not to. I want to do the right thing. I want you to do the right thing. I don’t want to mess that up no matter what and that means giving it time.

They say if you want something enough, you’ll fight damn hard for it. Why then, have I been leaving things up to chance or waiting for them to sort themselves out? I’ve been telling myself that I live by that axiom but it’s becoming clear that I don’t really and it’s especially apparent at times where it matters. But maybe it’s not about what I want.

No one needs to be hurt anymore.

One week of god-awful insomnia. My body is exhausted but my mind keeps racing. Flight on late-night Wednesday and I still have too many things to take care of in town. That’s the easy part. I think the thing that’s currently stressing me out the most is the amount of uncertainty and unsorted things for the month I’m away. I have a couple flights I’m yet to book… I can’t seem to find a last-minute employee…

His love was real.

Still can’t sleep.

I’m a fickle, fickle girl.

Sometimes I feel like everything’s going to pass me by because I don’t really know what I want.

I let people dictact my life. I do things simply to prove people right, prove people wrong, make people happy, but most of all, to avoid disappointing them. It’s so easy to lose sight of what I really want.

…

Does it bother you that we’ve never looked like that?

I’m thinking again: your arm around my shoulders and I hold you in place. It’s affirmation but another part of me wants to tell you that I don’t want you to ever take it back.

“We’ve looked like that.”

I’m shy but mostly a coward. Can’t sleep. I’m all love and dread.

constant manipulation, love and dread. you have the same sickness that I have bred.