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it’s ceaseless, these nightmares.

More nightmares.

I dreamt I was in a mall, like the really big ones in Asia. I was taking a photo of a group people I just met and I really liked. I wanted something to remember them by. Most of them were a lot younger and very excitable. Before they could stand still for me to get my shot, a massive guy came up behind me and groped me. I told him off. He did it again, almost in a spiteful manner. He didn’t stop. He had a friend who came to do the same who was just as massive. I just kept telling them to stop, go away, and I was yelling that I was being sexually harassed. (Where were my friends at this point?) At this point it came to mind that someone once told me that maybe men misinterpret the tone of voice. I asked myself how that could be possible in this situation. I got extremely aggressive and told him off again. I set one of them off. He threatened to hurt me and kill me. I egged him on. He started towards me. I ran. They both came after me. They didn’t seem to be in any rush to get to me. I ran as fast as I could but when I looked back, they were still coming towards with a menacing saunter. I was going to hit a dead end at the other side of the mall. I was frantically looking for help like security but couldn’t find anyone.

M and I were talking on the phone. He said I could go over to his place but he was preoccupied. He sounded reluctant. I went over. There were people all over his place, laying on the floor. The TV was on but no one seemed to be watching it. M was sitting on a couch with two other women. Like a few others in the room, he was in his underwear. He didn’t seem preoccupied at all. He didn’t acknowledge that I had come in. In fact, no one acknowledged me. No one seemed to care about anything. Was everyone high? He continued talking to the girls next to him, something to do with his sexual endeavors. I felt uncomfortable. I settled myself down among the others, closer to the TV. I laid down, waiting for what, I don’t know. The night went by and he never came around. I felt extremely lonely.

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C pt. 1

“You look…”

“Like shit?”

“I didn’t say it.”

It’s okay, I know I look awful. People have been telling me that for weeks. My eyes are a little sunken and I haven’t had the emotional strength to flex the muscles in my face to give me that pleasant demeanour that people are familiar with. He takes the time to listen to me, asking questions here and there to better understand the situation. He’s sympathizing with me. He understands that sound judgements go out the window when heavy emotions are at play. I was sitting in front of a chicken burger that I had just bought but had no appetite for. “You need to focus on yourself”, he tells me. I assured him that I have and I took a trip to Denver to focus on my feelings. “No, not like that.” He points out what I’ve told him: I’ve been writing all these letters to you but made he me consider that maybe I need to write a letter to myself. I froze. It hadn’t crossed my mind before. It was a good idea. I’m constantly writing and addressing you because it makes me feel like you’re still there, listening. I’m doing it now, even. I tell myself it’s therapeutic but now I’m starting to suspect that I’m in delusions. I need to wake up and really focus on myself. I’m going to try doing it within the next few days. Just need to slip up one more time tonight.

“You can’t take on getting consumed all at once; you’ll never get anywhere”. He told me not to think about the website right now. I was really conscious about him putting his blue clipboard away; he didn’t even start writing on it. He tells me that I have more important things to focus on. One step at a time. He’s right. Focus on myself. Figure out my feelings. Establish and make clear my own requirements. Set a timeline. And let go if I can’t reach them.  He gave me a system. And I work very well with instructions.

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can’t even send you dumb cactuses.

Remember when we were in Madrid and how we were mesmerized by everything?

Everywhere we went, we had such different perspective on things. We’d point out those things to each other that we wouldn’t otherwise pay attention to. I was always very curious and you were always so determined to solve the questions I had. We learned so much about the world that way. It was a wonderful dynamic. Remember when we figured out what those fast moving things were on the beach? Of course, it was always about animals for me. There were so many times where I’d catch myself to be distracted by simple rock doves or squirrels. But it never bothered you and in fact, you seemed to encourage it. I mean, you took me to feed pigeons in Placa de Catalunya. You took me to feed birds and squirrels in Lynde Shores. You didn’t hesitate to buy feed for me to give to goats and alpacas at the Winter Fair. Those made me so happy. It meant so much to me whenever you took me to see animals and how patient you were when I watched them or maybe when I did some questionable things. Remember how we tricked those chickadees? Or put when I put frog on the baking tray? You know, it made me really laugh when you tried to catch that pigeon in Chiang Mai. I know you wouldn’t normally do that. I often wonder if I was rubbing off on you or if you were simply trying to make me laugh.

I can’t deny that I miss you. I just keep reminding myself that we’re just going to keep hurting each other.