Category: Inpsalmnias

sometimes I feel like I could be the opposite of Sleeping Beauty

where the boy who could ease my heart and put me to sleep would be my one true love

and the not being so pretty part.

dancing on the street

flaunting fake luxury bags

don’t forget to spit

I know a boy that offers me nothing

but owns my eyes and my heart.

Maybe I can’t sleep because I’m always dreaming.

I got some merch from an H&M-designer collab a few days ago. I’m laying in bed… well, actually a couch… and it reminded me about how we were first in line for one of these in the past at a stupid early time at Dundas-Square. It was the Anna Dello Russo collab and there was that beautiful turquoise luggage set that I really wanted. I was all starry-eyed over the thing and you promised me that we’d get it. They only had one set but you were confident it was mine. It was like you were more eager than me to get it. I remember that look you’d give me; you’d scrunch up your face and make yourself look tough to intimidate and scare people. And it would work. Big guy, scar on the right eyebrow with a mean face. But you were the biggest softy I’ve ever known. And no one ever got to see that side of you.

Clock strikes, store’s opened. I remember you casually sauntering towards it and it was like every one else knew not to mess with you. I just watched you walking back towards me with the thing. This giant man with a ridiculously shiny and gaudy luggage. You weren’t even rolling it. You were just walking with it in hand with the handle unretracted, haha. It was a ridiculous and one of my best memories of you.

It’s funny — you were one of the factors that made me so materialistic. I remember you judging me for my upside-down cat bag that I got from a JJ magazine. “What is this?” I could hear the “you could do better than that” all in your tone. I had never been around a guy that always encouraged me to carry myself in a dressed-up and classy manner. You were playfully laughing at me. Even still from your hospital bed.

You know, I never really understood why you talked to me the way you did. You talked about all the things we’d do when you would get out of there. Did you know? Maybe you didn’t want me to worry but it really misled me and I really had no idea you’d just suddenly disappear. You told me you didn’t feel like seeing anyone the second time I tried to see you. It hurt me but I keep trying to convince myself that you just didn’t want me to see you in your condition. Sometimes when I think of you, I’m just left with a bunch of questions and some doubt. I wonder if you thought about me.

I miss you at random times and it breaks me down a little at times when I least expect it. I’ve been having a really hard time lately and sometimes I wish you were around to show me your mean face that would make me laugh.

Miss you, Andrew.

12:47AM

I’ve been a little too busy these last couple of weeks and been lacking too much sleep. I got pressured to having a few sips of green tea at work today which is currently keeping me up. I’m hypersensitive to caffeine so I can’t even have a sip of coffee or a bite of tiramisu (yes, even in the morning) without spending the night wide-eyed and sour. People don’t seem to understand that it’s not a joke or how serious it is and because I’m such a pushover, I deal with this quite often. It doesn’t help that I fucking love tea. Fuck, London Fog, Tit Kwun Yum, Yerba-fucking-Mate — I love all that shit. On a very rare occasion I’ll treat myself to a cup, knowing very well that I’ll deal with the consequence of a shitty sleepless night.

I’ve had other reactions. You know those itty bottles of 5-hour energy drinks? Yeah, I had one once and I peed five times within an hour. It sucked.

It kind of sucks that buying a coffee for someone is such a regular custom. The same goes for bubble tea with the Asians. You have no idea how many beverages I have let go to waste and how many disappointed oh’s I have dealt with when I tell people I don’t drink caffeine. Sometimes if it’s a tea, I just take the hit, especially when someone is waiting for me to try it, just so I don’t have to deal with the disappointment. I love tea but not enough to always deal with the insomnia that comes afterwards. Please be a dear buy me some gin instead.

Bah. I wish I could be like the fiends that caffeine have little to no effect on. I guess tea’s greener on the other side.

2:12AM

Been spending the weekend in a lot of pain… my tailbone has been killing me, especially when I've been trying to sleep. I'm currently on the floor with a bag of ice in my waistband and a pillow under my knees (instructions as per Google). Not exactly sure what's wrong with me but all I know is that something called "synovial cysts" are terrifying. I tend not to look up symptoms on Google because I just scare the shit out of myself. I will have to see a doctor in the next couple of days if it soon doesn't recover on it's own…
5:29AM