Category: Personal

“… It’s like a highly complex cocktail. Balanced with a little bit of everything, confusing, but the next sip always feels pleasant.”

It’s perpetual analysis paralysis. I had to hear it from someone to realize it. I’ll do all that I can to avoid facing anxiety and I can’t seem to make decisions because of it. I’m constantly scared of saying the wrong thing, making the wrong decision and most of all, hurting someone in the end.

I’m terribly afraid of letting people down and I’ve grown up doing nothing but that. All I wanted as a child was some sort of recognition but for whatever reason, my parents didn’t give me it. They only saw and pointed out what I couldn’t achieve and never what I could. Not once, ever, did they express any sort of pride and I wanted that so bad. It took me a long time to realize that any attempt to gain it would be futile for the rest of my life.

I didn’t have friends for the majority of my adolescence but things are much different now. I am fortunate to have many friends who will support and encourage me in the things that I do and to be the person that I am. It’s so true and dear to me that I don’t want to lose any of it. It’s so dear that I’ll do whatever to it takes to keep those connections there, even in self-destructing ways. I try to rationalize many relationships in my life including those that are undoubtedly unhealthy.

That’s where I fall short. I need to be better to myself. I need to put into focus what is good for me in long and lasting ways. I’m doing my best. I really am. We all are.

Please be patient with me.

I feel real awful. There are many things to look forward to in the weeks and months coming up but there are a couple of thoughts that I can’t shake off. Obsessive thinking. People have been kind. My friends have been taking care of me and bringing me out. Lots of laughing and excitement but there’s always a moment where I’ll play out the same few scenarios out in my head. And then reset.

Seek, protect, or serve?

I chose serve. I want to see people happy and I want them to be happy because of me. I want people to tell me exactly what it is they want me to do. Expectations are clear and I no longer need to be afraid of making the wrong decisions. I want to relinquish control and I want it to free me.

//

“Did the nightmares ever stop?”

Sometimes, but they always come back to haunt.

In reference to the languages of love.

I think you’re definitely gifts and acts of service. (Words of) Affirmation is something you don’t give very much I feel.

Redbone was playing in the background on repeat. It was one of the rare songs we could agree on. I’m not exactly sure what had came over me but I was crying the hardest I had ever in my life. I couldn’t stop myself. He kept holding onto me as long as it took. My tears and mucus made the shirt sopping wet on his chest. I kept crying and he kept reminding me that it wasn’t worth it.

I felt so small in his arms, smaller than I remember. Maybe I was feeling especially vulnerable but the more likely scenario was that climbing had really changed his body. All this time, maybe all I really needed was to be held.

“Look at you. This is not you.”

Some days I feel like I can say goodbye more than others.

Today is one of those days.