sometimes it's better to sing yourself to sleep
1. Describe yourself in three sentences.
2. What is your greatest strength?
3. What, if you could, would you change about yourself?
4. What is your biggest weakness?
5. What are your favorite kinds of people?
6. What do you value most in life?
7. What makes you most happy?
8. Can people generally be trusted?
9. What is your greatest aspiration?
10. Do people like you?
I know a lot of people who don’t believe in New Year resolutions but I’m one of the folks who do. I know I need to slow down generally but for 2018, I want to
stop running away from problems.
stop spreading myself thin.
stop neglecting the people I love.
Just landed in Bangkok. I’m on double-dose on melatonin tonight so I’m here while these tabs dissolve. I got pressured into having a few sips of green tea because it was bought for me. I don’t seem to learn from my mistakes.
“Liz, you ever consider that you are a side gig?”
//
A friend told me something a week ago that I can’t get off mind. I was telling him about some things that are going on and he was laughing at me… a lot. Not because of what I was saying was comical or ridiculous, but because, as he says, I’m at a point in life where everything still has so much meaning and that I’m over-thinking the things that people do and say. He told me that not everything has as much substance as I currently think and it’ll wear with age. That sounds frightning, actually.
“Why are you laughing?”
He told me that it was a nice thing to see, kind of seeing himself in my shoes kind of thing and that he missed those kind of days where everything around had so much meaning and purpose. He said that now he was 30+, him and anyone around his age knows exactly what they want while I’m in my mid-twenties, still figuring things out as if everything’s a puzzle. I think he might be right. I was pretty sure of what I’ve wanted in life until having some wholesome chats with these 30-something-year-olds. I guess I must have stars in my eyes or something.
I’ve been a little too dependant on melatonin these last few days. It’s bad. Now it’s tough falling asleep without it and it feels too good to let it up so easily. I sound like I’m on meth. I’m currently fighting the urge to take it tonight but I’m not doing very well.
S. & M. told me that my blog has been really depressing lately. I haven’t really realized how dismal it was until I scrolled through it. Jeez. 80-year old future-me is going to be very disappointed. I guess the majority of times I come here, I’m either 1) in a bad mood because I can’t sleep; 2) ranting or complaining about something or 3) posting a poem I thought up while I was in bad mood because I couldn’t sleep. Should I start putting in some positive things on here? Is this blog really for me? Or is this for the public?
Who fucking knows.
Someone else said to me this week:
“Question is: should I be reading them? I know it sounds silly but to me it sounds like a diary and I feel that it pretty personal… I dunno? Doesn’t feel right to me.”
Didn’t realize I was affecting people with such negative feelings. It definitely has a much different response than my previous blogs… I don’t know what I’m going to do with this reception but I guess I’ll keep it in mind. I don’t think it’ll stop me from writing depressing poems or ranting but I’m starting to question the whole theme of inpsalmnia. Is it really conducive to anything or anyone?
cont’d in the next post…
password: name the best bird.
I think I’m messed up bad.
I’ve felt really off during my whole time in Vancouver. I was letting everything beat me down. A lot of things were not going according to plan, there were too many stressful situations, intense disagreements, and the rain just really sucked. I haven’t been to Van during this time of year so I was completely unprepared for it. I bought myself a waterproof jacket and a waterproof bag for the trip but those things were useless without an umbrella or waterproof shoes. When it rained, I didn’t figure it would rain the entire day, the whole day, every day of the fucking week. I stayed by Stanley Park for a week to do a daily run around it but there wasn’t ever a clear day so I never got to. Sure, I could have ran in the rain but I’m sure that would have sucked even more. I was already so frustrated with my forever wet socks and shoes.
These last couple of days especially fucked me up. Circumstances just left me feeling unemotionally unstable and craving for something to fill some sort of void. I don’t exactly know what I’m missing but I know I want much more than what I have now. And if there isn’t anything specific that I’m looking for, is it possible I just have the wrong attitude? Am I fine?
“Are you having a quarter life crisis?”
I think I might be. I don’t know what came over me, but I hung out with someone new and I just spilled everything and put everything on the table. My vulnerabilities, my shortfalls, history of my miserable childhood and my broken family. How the hell did I talk so much about myself? Fuck. I think I just really related to him when he told me about his messy life. And I think he had just enough charm and eloquence, asking me about certain things. Fuck. I feel weak, exposed and naked. That’s also probably why I feel so shitty.
I didn’t take the year off for any reason but to work on a few projects while travelling. But I think that soul-searching and that existentialism crap is starting to get to me. I think I’m looking for a more concrete understanding of what’s going on in my life. Fuck, what is wrong with me? I think going from city to city, I’m getting glimpses of the relatively static lives of people and it’s starting to feel like I’m doing something wrong. I know deep down I’m not, but it’s habit for me to second-guess myself in everything that I do. I am happy with how I’m doing things now but and I’ve been asking myself whether it’s time wasted. If I’m happy and enjoying myself, does it really matter? I’m ashamed to say that I’m not sure. I often feel like I’m supposed have a more confidence in what I’m doing, and completely invest myself in it. While I’m investing all my time into business, I’m still limited as there’s a kind of deadline when school starts up again. I also feel like I can’t fully invest my time in school because I can’t let go of my big dreams with biz. I’ve put too much on my plate again, haven’t I?
I’m starting to question where I want to be, and where I want to spend my life. If we set up a storefront on Queen, will I regret not being able to be so transient? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in Toronto? What about my idea about living in Singapore for a year or two? There are definitely some gaps that I need to fill.
Anyways, I’m on my way home after being away for a month. Maybe being back will help me resynchronize and clear my head for a bit.
//
On another note, I never intended for the last post to start such a big conflict between people. I’m sorry about that. Again, I think we just have to be conscious that people have sensitivities that we should be respect. And maybe an eye-catching blog-post-title can make an exception.
Something you may not know about me: I’m actually a pretty cynical, negative and hateful person. It may not seem like it, but I bottle up a lot of things that make me unhappy. I can’t help but lay awake in bed thinking about all scummy people in the world. And I’m not talking just about people that have personally done something to me. I’m talking about people who are just bad souls in general. The scamming buddhist monks at Union Station and scamming black history guys at Dundas square, the people who rip off other people’s IP work, gay-haters, people who are just fake. FUCK. They all make me so angry. When I’m sitting still, those kind of things take up my thinking space and just waste my energy. I ponder about how people get that way or how those people can live with themselves, etc. I can’t help it. I’ve been trying to change that part of me and writing, kind of like a meditative activity, helps me move away from all that. Writing isn’t the only thing that allows me to do that; it’s actually being productive in general but whenever I’m required to sit still for a while like on a plane, airport, or selling things behind a table, it’s the best available option for me.
I’ve actually been writing journals and logging ever since I was in elementary school, around 7th grade. I think getting an agenda in high school kind of further spurred it. From dream journals, to Livejournal, to food blogging, to personal blogs on Blogger, I’ve never really been away from it. I don’t know why I ever started or kept it going but I’m happy I did. It really puts into perspective how much I’ve changed as a person when I look back at my old writings. I had been the most prolific during high school and early years in university, when I was logging every single day. When I read those writings, everything is different: the way I wrote, the things I wrote about, even the pen strokes themselves.
Some major differences I found: I used a lot of exclamation marks and emoticons; I didn’t really write about how I was feeling or what I thought of things, I just kind of recapped what I did, what I ate, and who I was with; and things definitely seemed to excite me easier (explains the emoticons). I guess I’m becoming a little jaded from simple things and I’ve been chasing some sort of adventure high.
It’s definitely very different from the writing that I do now. More and more, I think I’m getting in touch with my emotions and who I am as a person. It hasn’t been until the recent months that I’ve used writing as something that keeps me both distracted and on track but it’s been really fulfilling since I started. I’ve noticed that I’m slowly getting better at writing which pretty cool. It takes me less time to find the right words and the right sentences to convey what I am thinking and it’s also helped me improve being able to recap things and have nice writing flow. I wish I was more eloquent in person but I’ve been slowly trying to work on that as well.
I definitely recommend writing as an outlet for creativity, getting in tune with yourself and maybe like me, just to keep things off the mind. What I’d really like to do for myself is set more time to write about my travels as they happen so I can have a better account of things. Fortunately, I’ll most likely be able to do that within the next few days and weeks. I’m writing from Salt Lake City right now and I’m on my way to trek up the mountains. I’m pretty excited. Portland and Vancouver will be next on the list. So check back soon if you’re curious about those! From Mormons to hipsters to Asians, this is going to be a blast!
I tell this story a lot so I thought it would be nice to finally put it in writing. I love Vancouver as a city — the mountains, Stanley Park, the food scene and I have some pretty cool friends there. But the thing is that I’ve experienced more direct racism there than any other city in the world. It’s strange. Living in Toronto my whole life, my impression was that the same kind of multiculturalism and acceptance of diversity would span over and across the country. Sure, Vancouver is multicultural as well but it’s not the same kind of multiculturalism that you’ll see in T.O. It has a very dense Asian population but it’s like the Asians are all segregated. The Chinese hang out with the Chinese; the Koreans hang out with the Koreans, etc etc. I’m speaking generally, of course. I think the reason for this is that there are a lot of fresh immigrants that tend to stick within their own cultural group and speak their native tongue over speaking English. In other words, there are a lot less white-washed Asians like me. Maybe I just spent too much time in Richmond. That’s the Markham equivalent of Vancouver. (And for those not from Toronto, Markham is popularly known as the Asian district.) Regardless, it definitely feels like there is a lot less intermixing of cultures over there and that might be the cause of cultural tensions and racism to occur. That’s my guess.
Anyways, this was one experience: I was on the SkyTrain. I don’t exactly remember where I was going but I had a long trip so I was sitting by a window, book in hand. There was a woman — Caucasian, early 40s — sitting in front of me. She looked a little disheveled and was being a little loud so I overheard about how she was lost and that her phone was dead and she was trying to get in touch with her sister. The guy sitting beside her kindly offered his phone for her to use. She used it for a long while but after getting frustrated at her sister on her phone, and when she realized she wasn’t getting any more on track, she just gave the phone back and suddenly started acting frantic. She got up and suddenly yelled, “Where is this train going?!” No one seemed to answer her so she looked around to pick on someone.
With the commotion going on, I had been watching her and I realized I hadn’t been reading my book or minding my own business when I made eye-contact with her. My natural reaction was to shift my eyes downwards towards my book. “You, where is this train going?” She was talking to me. I told her I didn’t know where the train was going because I wasn’t from the city. She instantly became furious and yelled at me, “You live in my fucking country. You tell me where this train is going now.” I was speechless. I didn’t even know what to say except say, “I”m from Toronto”. At this point, everyone else on the train was as appalled as I was. People were ready to back me up but thank god the train came to a stop the next few seconds because she felt like getting off for whatever reason. But before getting she yelled “Chink, chink, nigger, spick!”, pointing at random people in-between. She left everyone on the train kind of shaking their heads and shrugging at each other. The woman did seem a little inebriated. But drunk or high, it was no excuse for her behaviour. It’s surprising to me how people can still feel this way in this day and age.
People tell me that I should let sleeping dogs lie. That’s probably why I attract all the crazies. I swear one day I’m going to get stabbed from pissing off a hobo. It’s just hard for me to pretend people don’t exist when they talk to me. I always speak back or make a gesture for “no, sorry” when someone on the street asks me for change. I’m told I should just look straight, not make eye-contact but something in my head tells me that I’m more likely to set someone off by ignoring them than acknowledging their existence… I know it’s dangerous to interact with sketchy people but at least I have a funny story to tell later, haha. Someone mentioned that I should start writing about my crazier, more unexpected experiences so I might do that within the next few posts.
I’ve been starting to crave for a little bit of stability in my life. Due to the entrepreneurial life, I feel like I’m stuck in a state of imbalance and inconsistency. It’s weird that a constant in my life is inconstancy. Ironic, right? And it’s like it won’t be resolved until I hit the ‘eject’ button or maybe pick up yoga… but that’s not going to happen any time soon because I love what I’m doing right now and I hate yoga. Working for myself, it’s all about instability. I deal with a lot of unexpected situations, pay is unpredictable and the days ahead of me are a little unclear. I feel like I always have a million things on my mind and an endless list of things I have to remember to do. When work depends on me to always be on my toes, it gets a little tiring and wears me out.
Sometimes I look at my closest friends and wish I had some parts of what they have in their lives. Having a stable job, having a stable schedule, having regular meet-ups with friends, etc. I don’t think I’ve ever had a stable full-time job but I imagine it would be a little comforting to have consistent hours and a clear idea of what’s going to happen tomorrow or the days ahead. I’ve also never had an office job but something about it is starting to look really appealing to me, especially having one’s own office. I think it’s something about having a workspace that’ll always be there for you that’s yours and not anyone else’s. Right now, the line between work and my personal life is a little blurry and with an office space, it seems really easy to leave work behind and out of mind. It’ll be a while until I’m behind a desk, wearing pencil skirts and drafting docs out the wazoo because I’ve put school aside to work on some more business endeavours.
I think the toughest thing for me right now is that I go weeks and months without seeing the people I love. And it’s hard — not because I need to see them, but I fear that they think that I forget them or don’t value their friendship. It’s a constant worry I have even though it seems like the closest people in my life have already accepted my lifestyle. I’ve never expressed it to any of them but I love them so much for accepting that part of me. It’s hard keeping strong relationships when I’m never around and I’m always hoping deep down that my favourite people are perfectly fine with picking up where we left off.
It’s not that I don’t miss people; I think I’m just a lot less emotional than the average person. I’m just less needy when it comes to constant interaction with friends and family. I’ve been told by my parents that they think I am less caring because I don’t talk so much. I’ve lost friends because they assume that I don’t have time for them. It’s frustrating. It doesn’t help that I don’t chat much online anymore. As time goes on, I just find myself spending more and more time off my phone and that’s what makes me happy. That’s one of the things that makes it difficult to make new friends. Many people can’t seem to understand why I can’t keep in touch or make time for them and they just think I’m just a cold and distant person in general.
While my life is in constant chaos, one thing I can count on are the friends I have now. No matter how long I’m gone or how far away I go, my favourite people are always there and are willing to make time for me. They are among the handful of stable things in my life. I feel so grateful but also guilty that I can’t do the same for them. I’m a little afraid for the day when things settle down for me and they’ll be too busy for me. That, or they become tired of my tendencies before then.
I want to reach a balance of everything some day; I just don’t know when. Whatever instability I have right now, I’m going to continue coping with it, along with all the stresses that it brings along. I might be at the beginning stages of being worn out but I also think I’m just in a love-hate relationship and it’s the case of the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes when I’m home for only a week, I really can’t wait to get on a plane. Maybe the core problem in my life is that I’m always wanting. I’m never really completely happy with what I have; I always want more. Like an appetite that’s never satiated. What’s wrong with me?
Maybe I thrive on this way of living. I am definitely some sort of experience junkie and love to do things I haven’t done before. It’s definitely very mentally stimulating for me. And I guess sometimes the uncertainty is somewhat exciting. It’s interesting to see where I find myself and what I am doing every few days. I don’t even usually like to eat at the same restaurant twice… It’s a life of high excitement with high stress. That’s what I signed myself up for. I really wonder if I’d be happier if things were toned down and a little more balanced in my life…
Related to what I was writing about a couple of days ago…
Today, at the airport, I got my laptop ‘randomly’ swabbed and an older gentleman put their hand on my shoulder while making a joke about the soup in the lounge.