Red when I see you, blue when I don’t.
ancora imparo
It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
I’m great. It feels a little strange to say that on a rainy day. My body’s back in order and feeling healthy. I’d been out of commission for a couple of months since I busted up my ankle so it feels super good to be running again. I still managed to place first in category for a fun-run last week so I’m pretty proud about that. Maybe I’ve gotta set myself a serious race goal now.
Fitness aside, I’m extremely happy with the way things are. I have friends and family supporting me and I have full confidence that they’ll have my back even if they may be miles away. The rapport feels real. I had once been so concerned about ‘maintenance’ amongst my relationships but now I realize the strongest bonds don’t require any such thing. Of course, I want to offer as much of my time as I can but it’s comforting to finally understand that. The transactional-type relationships will filter out on their own and that’s fine. I’m sorry we couldn’t come to an agreement but life must go on.
I find that there aren’t enough hours in the day anymore. There are too many things I want to do and learn. Day after day, I look at the clock and pretty soon it’s already past my bedtime. But that’s okay. It’s what makes our time so valuable. I’m just more excited than ever to learn about the world and the people around me. I wish I could do it forever. To learn is such a thing of value and many of us take it for granted. I’d argue that in some cases, it’s even more valuable than life itself.
If I was given the gift of time, my boy deserves all of it. He loves me and he makes me feel it every living second. He makes me feel home more than anything else in the world. I need him.
And it feels good to know he needs me.
RKV
RKV
When I was disembarking from the plane, the guy in front of me dropped his beaver-shaped neck pillow and exclaimed “Ah, weasel!” He seems very obviously Canadian(?) with his “CANADA” embroidered backpack. Did he confuse beavers with weasels? How does that happen? Was it possible he had named his beaver Weasel? That’s something I would do, I think. Would a Canadian deck himself out in Canadian gear like a beaver-shaped neck pillow travelling abroad…?
Front seat. City lights by my side and a waning crescent moon overhead. I’m on my way to the city. The bus ticket was 5500 Icelandic Krona, yikes (That’s about $60CAD). That’s the cost of adventure, right? Thank god for early bakery hours; my first stop is at a joint called Sandholt. I’m looking forward to some hot chocolate and some breakfast to warm me up. Not sure what the day’s gonna bring but I guess I’ll update as I go along. That’ll be a new fun thing.
Out from the cold and now sitting inside with a comfy spot by the window. Hot chocolate as planned, along with some snudur (like a cinnamon bun) and skyr (like yogurt). The portions are much too generous. I had some time to kill before the place opened up so I strolled up and down Laugaveguy. Christmas lights strung overhead streets and storefronts; these guys definitely know how to do festive. Familiar Christmas tunes with Icelandic singing on the speakers right now even. It’s nice to be here.
Spotted a lot of weird Chuck Norris novelty things like the “Chuck Norris Grill” and souvenir shops selling shirts that say “Chuck Norris can say Eyjafjallajokull backwards!” Weird stuff. Things don’t start opening up until 10 so I guess I’m back to studying for a bit.
Got to catch dawn at the church’s (Hallgrimskirkja) bell tower and had it all to myself. A nice serene moment until I forgot it was a bell tower and CLING CLANG CLONG… it scared the living shit out of me!
I got to try a pylsur, an Icelandic hot dog from the iconic popular chain, Bæjarins Beztu and it’s real good. A little sweeter than a North American dog but what makes it amazing are all the sauces they put on top. Mustard, ketchup, remoulade, and something with mayo, I’m not sure what. Also some diced raw onions, capers and some CRISPY BITS. Amazing, amazing. A++, totally would do again.
I had one of the best and worst foods, both at 3 Frakkar. Dared to try fermented shark and it was god-awful. The texture was like day-old sashimi and it was like chewing on ammonia. Thankfully I followed it up with a delightful creamy fish soup. Tomato-based with a ton of non-fermented fresh fish bits.
I caught the bus to the airport with just enough time to buy some sweets before my flight. Strolled through the duty-free to realize that Icelanders seem to have a bizarre obsession with liquorice so of course, I got some for myself. Opted for Lakrids Salty Caramel Chocolate Coated mostly because the packaging was pretty fancy-looking. Popped it open to try it right away; the outer later was a super nice balance of sweet and salty so I let it melt in my mouth, savouring it. When I hit the centre, it confirmed something that I already knew well before which was I do not like classic black liquorice. Went through the rest of the container sucking off the chocolate coatings and spitting out the liquorice cores. I’m a classy girl.
Toronto to Reykjavik
Just roused from a nap and I feel like it’s time to leave something here. I’m on a flight on the way over to Reykjavik, a layover on the way to London. I have about twelve hours to kill there; a sufficient amount of time to have a relaxed venture around and an early breakfast (I land around 5AM). It’s been quite some time since I’ve had an extended period of time to myself with no schedule to run on and I’m looking forward to it.
This was a little bit of an impulse trip. Okay, I lied — it was very much an impulse trip. I think things have been a little monotonous for me lately and I just needed a change in scenery. Most of my days are comprised of studying and it leaves me just enough time and energy for a run but not much of anything else. I’m happy enough just having an English dinner and a run along the Thames to change my days up.
Solo in a foreign city, what a joy. It’s nice not to be so conscious about those around me once in a while. Just stripping away all those formalities and expectations that I normally need to be cognizant about feels real good. It’s been long overdue and it’s time to focus on me without having to accommodate or check my decisions against those of others. Auto-pilot is on.
I often wonder about the friends who’ve fully determined (so they say) that they cannot appreciate being alone on a trip. Are they just unable to appreciate these kind of things? Are they cripplingly emotionally dependent? Maybe they just have to find the right places to be in.
Maybe I’m just wound-up, living a life with too much self-constraint and these intermittent escapes.
I’ve actually extremely relieve to get away from home. The negativity surrounding me is extremely suffocating. A lot of friends have been having a hard time and they’ve been blaming the circumstances. Most of them are having trouble in the dating world. Also, my parents have been fighting, my mom has been arguing with my sister and she’s been nagging me incessantly, a symptom of her sour mood.
I feel like I’m being dragged down.
I really don’t need that. I need to keep focused and it seems like the best place for me to be right now is anywhere but home. I’m feeling good and I’m not going to let anyone take that away. Not now and not after this year.
keepin’ weird.
I’m on a bus heading into town. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night because of a snoring roomie but I’m feeling great this morning with a nice and early start. Portland’s an amazing city and I’m happy to be here. I’m looking forward to studying among hipsters and eating in glorified food courts. And I hope to find some cool things to bring home to loved ones.
Keefer
She looked at me with kind, smiling eyes and asked if I was okay. I quickly nodded, said an eager ‘yes’ and mirrored her kind eyes. I quickly sipped on my cocktail to attest. My cocktail tastes really… fall. It’s real nice. Was I really lying to her, then?
It’s real beautiful here in Vancouver. There are so many Japanese maples burning up in vivid reds. It’s unlike anything back home.
Maybe things are not bad. Maybe they’re just different. Things are definitely different. But people have been forgetting about me and it doesn’t feel good. I think about what my expectations are and how I might have been coddled by friends and loved ones back home.
Amsterdam. Japan. Hawaii.
I regret ordering a second drink. I wish I had company.
all you can do
“You can’t force love… All you can do is be good to the people in your life, and keep your heart open.”
one but not the other.
17. Not to live as if you had endless years ahead of you. Death overshadows you. While you’re alive and able — be good.
18. The tranquillity that comes when you stop caring what they say. Or think, or do. Only what you do. (Is this fair? Is this the right thing to do?)
<…> not to be distracted by their darkness. To run straight for the finish line, unswerving.
“A negroni type cocktail is made with equal parts spirit bitter and sweet. If there are spirits Agin, Bourbon, Codka and bitters Doldschlager, Ernet and Fajgermeister and sweet Germouth, Hwine, and Jort”
An amazing puzzle
but an awful negroni.
I’m OK.
It’s been a while since I’ve had time to write. But I’m in the back of a car — it’s too dark to read and I’ve got two hours to kill so I’m here. Hi.
Things have been well. I’ve been staying on top of things. I’ve been really diligent my running, especially. I just wish I had more hours in the day to do more. I want more time to improve my drumming, read short stories from the New Yorker, draw funny animals, and to chat the night away with friends. I’m just a greedy, greedy girl and I want it all.
One thing at a time.
Studying’s been taking up the majority of my time and I’ve had to turn down invites to go out. I feel awful but also grateful that friends understand. I hate missing out but I want to do well and I want it bad.
I’ve been doing my night runs five times a week. I ran 12km twice this week and I might do a couple more. I had to stop here and there but my body has been feeling pretty good overall; it can take it and I think I’m ready to take on another race. I’ll sign up soon. I’m pretty happy with the state of my bod so I’m going to tone down the running to three times a week and barre twice a week to tone up. I’ve been seeing slow improvements with my upper body strength. Still can’t do a lot of pushups without using my knees but I’ll get there. I’m feeling proud of myself. Hard work’s paying off and now I’m comfortable enough to wear just a sports bra on a run or to barre. Feels good. I want to hold this up for as long as I can. And since I haven’t been going out as much, it’s been easier to maintain my diet.
Other than that, things are mostly swell. There have been some major shifts in my attitude for the better:
-I’m learning to give things up. I felt an impulse to toss away some things. Trinkets. Clothes. Old memories. It’s been hard to let go but I need to make room for the things I value most now.
-I told myself (shameful that it was quite recent too) that I should give drawing up. I barely have the time and certainly haven’t developed the basic skills so the process is difficult to enjoy. I told myself that instead, I should focus on one or two things to excel at rather than spread myself thin. I just needed someone to knock some sense in to me to make me realize that I didn’t have a sensible reason to stop. I may be girl with too many dreams but that’s alright. I think I’m okay with that. This idea of self-improvement is what pushes me forward and makes me happy in whatever form it takes. I don’t need to be a master at any one thing. It isn’t ever too late to get better at something.
-I’m getting much better at not comparing myself to others. Everyone’s in a different stage in their life. Gotta’ put the blinders on and focus on my own goals and dreams. In the end, being first or last is no matter. What really matters is where I want to be and to make sure I’ll get there while giving myself the patience to do it at a comfortable pace. I’m going to work hard and do my best.