Category: Travel

I feel like I’ve lost everyone. One by one, people that had a special place in my life have vanished.

Losing Marshall was out of my control. I thought he was going to live forever though. Some time before he received diagnosis, we had ended up on a bad note. I barely even remember what we had been arguing about. We spent weeks not speaking to each other until he broke the silence, telling me of the news. I was too proud, stubborn and stupid. And now I’m forever guilty. Cancer was the one that robbed me of a life I loved. There was nothing I could do to change fate but I wonder about all the other people — the ones who abandoned me. Could I have changed the outcome?

Like Eggs, whose e-mail I couldn’t help but read all over again. “I will not forget you, but I cannot be there for you.” I couldn’t help but respond with hostility and I was harsh. Even now, I feel sorry. I was too bitter over a broken promise and it took me a long time to understand that that was what it took for him to be happy and that’s what’s important. Though since, I’ve learned to temper my expectations and it’s hard for me to truly believe that someone will be there no matter what.

Reading his letter it seems that he and I are not too different. He writes, “I think I feel at ease when I am living for someone else”. My flaw to a tee. I pity him; he under the hold of the same affliction. I myself want to change, truly. I’ve been reminded that a happiness contingent on another is neither true or lasting. But for him, he seems to accept this, yielding to his true nature. I wonder how that’s fared for him and how he is now. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.

What about all those who I trusted to have my back? Seems like I can’t ever expect those who turn malicious. Have I been too quick to trust? What did I do wrong?

//

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore but I don’t want to lose you either. It’s tearing me apart. I want to do the right thing for both of us. I hope that is something you can understand. I truly hope that you know that I love you and I’m trying my best to do the right thing.

Pull through. Be compassionate. Be patient. Long view.

//

I need someone around more than ever but… who is going to be there for me?

I was listening to Alessia Cara being interviewed on the radio

And in my mind I just kept thinking God she sounds exactly like you

Even some of her phrases are similar to what I recall you saying out of habit

Such a gorgeously raspy, pleasant and downright sexy voice. You’ve got that down. Keep believing and take good care on your side of the world

I often think of you. We don’t talk often but it’s assuring to know that you think of me too. I wonder what’s currently on your giant whiteboard and what great things you have lined up for yourself.

I’m writing from VAN. Facebook reminded me of a video that I had taken around the same time of year, last year. It’s of a mink struggling to pull a crab (or dinner, I presume) through a hole in a concrete barrier which was blocking its way into the forest. It didn’t seem capable of understanding that the hole wasn’t big enough but it tried over and over again without rest. It was definitely one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in my life. I was lucky to see that during a run around the sea wall. On that same run, I spooked a seagull, causing it to drop a starfish it was intending to eat. I managed to steal the starfish for a moment and when I let it have it back, I watched it swallow it whole. Man, what a terrifying sight. Animals and food and instincts, I suppose.

Everyone keeps telling me the same thing here: I came just at the right time for beautiful weather. Apparently there had just been a heatwave that lasted for a bit. It makes me desperately want to run again. It’s been a couple of weeks since. Been too busy dealing with with work and lack of sleep but I’m hoping for some mood and energy for the coming week. Here’s hoping especially cause this week has been extremely rough on me. I’ve been feeling lonely and defeated but friends have been kind, still. I’m fortunate. And though things are piling up and have been upsetting me, days are better, certainly. Been drinking a little too much again but it’s been helping me get some things off my chest.

//

Watery eyes and three unsettling words.

too

kia

su.

//

I took a couple days to recharge and feeling much better now, happy to finally spend some hours in solitude. I’ve been kind to myself. Lots of laying and sitting around, being relatively idle. Even ended the day quite early yesterday because I was tired. I’m learning not to push myself so hard and to turn people down when I need to.

I’ve been eating some pretty amazing food. Lots of fried chicken and heavily spiced jambalaya. And I’m munching on some killer Elysian peels while I type. Classic beignets are OK. A little too bland and dense for my liking but I’m happy to have tried them. I much prefer lighter, elevated versions I’ve found in hipster or ritzy places.

Shitty weather but a good day. Don’t feel pressured or rushed to do anything though I have an upcoming flight tonight. Saw a couple of lizards, one with a bright red dewlap. Couldn’t catch em but I was closer than usual.

Connection in Dulles. I’m fighting through my most severe bout of insomnia but I feel like a lot of pressure has finally been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve been spending all week packing a total of five luggages. S. & M. are helping me run a con while I’m handling some others, mostly on the West coast. I owe ’em one. It took me a lot longer than expected to pack, leaving barely any time for myself. I regret that I couldn’t spend more time with friends before I’m away for a month or more. On the bright side, packing list’s finally out of mind, no more stressing over customs taking me in for further inspection, and now I have a few hours to shut my brain off. Maybe, fingers crossed, I can finally fall asleep.

I’m spending a few days in New Orleans. I’m quite happy to have a last-minute opportunity to be in city I haven’t been to before. I’m making myself hungry just thinking about Cajun, Cajun, Cajun and beignet’s in C.’s honor.

God, kill me already. I can no longer wait to rest.

I’ve been thinking about you. I know you’re not happy and I really want you to be. I’ve been considering to message but I always stop myself, thinking it’s best not to. I want to do the right thing. I want you to do the right thing. I don’t want to mess that up no matter what and that means giving it time.

They say if you want something enough, you’ll fight damn hard for it. Why then, have I been leaving things up to chance or waiting for them to sort themselves out? I’ve been telling myself that I live by that axiom but it’s becoming clear that I don’t really and it’s especially apparent at times where it matters. But maybe it’s not about what I want.

No one needs to be hurt anymore.

One week of god-awful insomnia. My body is exhausted but my mind keeps racing. Flight on late-night Wednesday and I still have too many things to take care of in town. That’s the easy part. I think the thing that’s currently stressing me out the most is the amount of uncertainty and unsorted things for the month I’m away. I have a couple flights I’m yet to book… I can’t seem to find a last-minute employee…

His love was real.

Still can’t sleep.