sometimes it's better to sing yourself to sleep
I’m a fickle, fickle girl.
Sometimes I feel like everything’s going to pass me by because I don’t really know what I want.
I let people dictact my life. I do things simply to prove people right, prove people wrong, make people happy, but most of all, to avoid disappointing them. It’s so easy to lose sight of what I really want.
…
Does it bother you that we’ve never looked like that?
I’m thinking again: your arm around my shoulders and I hold you in place. It’s affirmation but another part of me wants to tell you that I don’t want you to ever take it back.
“We’ve looked like that.”
I’m shy but mostly a coward. Can’t sleep. I’m all love and dread.
constant manipulation, love and dread. you have the same sickness that I have bred.
I’m in L.A. and very exhausted. Night after night my hours of sleep are cut too short. Last night we all had trouble sleeping through the heatwave because we have no AC. The night before, our place was being circled by a LAPD helicopter chasing a felon and we figured it wasn’t a good time to be asleep. Can’t just blame the city; I’ve been at fault too. There’s work that I should be doing but I’ve been out with friends, making up for lost time. All worth it, it makes me happy.
I got to play Drummania yesterday and I was so excited that I was shaking after my first game. I haven’t played in the longest time. I failed some songs that I would usually pass but I managed to get them all right the second time around. It was hard for me to step away. I miss the game. I should play more on my own machine.
It’s been a rough week. It’s been fatigue and work mostly but something horrifying also happened to me a couple days ago. I had a homeless person grab my ass. I don’t know why, but when I felt a squeeze, I spun around expecting a friend who was trying to dick around. Which friend would do that, I don’t know. When I spun around and saw someone I didn’t recognize and bedraggled, I froze. I was frightened for a second when he stepped towards me and all I could manage to do was say “Can’t you not?” and he walked away. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t more angry or hostile. I think I was just too shocked by the situation. I held up my phone to call the police but I stopped myself because I didn’t want to chase after him. I really regret that.
+Forgot to add that I accidentally left my cell in an Uber ride. Thankfully I got it back within minutes but it was still very stressful. As he said, we wouldn’t have seen The New World if it were not for that though.
Anyways, just one more day to go and then it’s smooth sailing from there.
Standing at the shore I wasn’t sure if I was looking at barriers or strategically-placed boulders that were meant to break tides. They weren’t obstructive to the setting sun but they definitely stole the focus, robbing the limelight of a star. It was a strange scene, some dozen ominous forms, sitting somewhere in the middle of an empty beach at low tide. A curious mind wanders and, as always, I wander with it towards the unknown. As I drew closer, I could slowly make out the shapes. Color began to take form and that form was consistent between them all. They were lobster traps, side by side, in three neat lines. Someone had probably just set them up, anticipating the night tide.
I learned about lobster traps from Runescape, actually. It was by no means an accurate depiction of using the actual things. My character would crouch down, knees on the dock, dunk a cage much too small into a whirlpool (a whirlpool indicated there was something to fish), shimmy it — a little left and little right — and then stand back up within a couple seconds. It was labor intensive and looked much more like panning for gold while breaking your knees. Anyways, I’d fish for a ton of lobsters, cook them in a fire (which was also on you knees), and sell them off to people who bought hundreds and thousands at a time who needed them for HP, fighting high-level creatures. It’s funny how characters could pack away 20+ lobsters and eat them in an instant even with shell on and all. I wish lobster was that easy to eat in real life.
There were a bunch of cages, piled high in front of a lighthouse and a sign advertising that they were being sold for $5. What’s up with that? $5 is less than the cost of a McLobster. I wonder if it’s easy to use. Venture out when it’s low tide and when the diurnal tides cycle through, you come back to a cage full of lobsters?
He invited me to lay on him. I shimmy over. One ear against his chest and he cups my other ear under his hand. What he was really offering me was warmth. He’s saying something but he doesn’t realize that he’s muffled and I can’t understand him. I don’t bother to acknowledge. No need for interruption here. His fingers slowly move along my ear with just enough pressure, just the way I like. He’s a natural. Just a muted voice and slow-moving hands. Who ever figured that such powerful-looking hands could be so gentle? A heart beats away under me and it sounds oddly loud. I’m definitely listening too hard ’cause these thumps don’t sound the same. Do they even sound like anyone else’s?
Silence is closer. They’re fitting lyrics from a song, endless, on repeat. We have been fading. We’ve made our mistakes and now we’re feeling tired and worthless. Maybe too worthless for each other. And now we’re watching the clock in our own rooms, miles apart, counting down for different things.
I had another dream about you last night.
We were in a different city, in what looked like to be an urbanized forest. It was multi-level. There were a lot wooden stairs and bridges that allowed you to move up closer to the treetops. There were lots of young people around, mostly in their 20s. We might have been at a conference or convention of some sort. We were climbing a rope ladder. Even the rungs were rope. You were waiting for me. Only when I got to the same rung, you started to move again. It was easier to climb together because of the tension. We went up, side by side, moving in sync. When we got to the end, you pulled yourself up on the platform. And when it was my turn, I was had a lot of trouble pulling my weight up but you helped me, of course.
We were by a suspended tree house with a large deck that we were sitting around on. We might have been waiting around for something but I don’t know what. There were lots of other people sitting around too, some of which were your friends. You threw an arm around me. It shocked me but it was nice. I never expected you to do something like that, let alone in public. And just a second later, with the same arm, you lowered it down and intertwined our fingers. I squeezed your hand. I accepted it completely.
People danced by the stage. I watched them pulse — separating and then coalescing like amoebas. They looked like they didn’t have a care in the world. Strangers would come upon each other. Quick fumble, exchange smiles, and then twirl around each other with coordination and ease.
I wonder if I could ever be like that. I’d pull my embarrassed and reluctant partner onto the dance floor. He’s shy but he’s enthralled by my spirit and charm. He loves me. He’d do anything for me, even dance.
The first time the doctor tried to drain the abscess out, he got nothing. I was already feeling stressed out looking at this curly-haired baby-face boy. I kept reading his tag over and over again which clearly stated he was a resident doc, i.e. a doc in training. I’m sure he did what he was supposed to do. He sprayed some numbing agent onto the affected area and he tried to use a syringe to try to drain it out. Regardless, it left me hurting and I didn’t want him trying again. He and the senior doc agreed to wait for an ENT to put me under.
Lots of waiting… lots of waiting… fast-forward.
The ENT sprayed that same numbing stuff on me as he told me that he was going to attempt draining the abscess. I panicked and I told him that the other doctors already tried to drain it. He said he knew but reassured me that he was the professional. I guess that made me feel a little better until he started injecting me with a local anesthetic, on top of the spray. Not just once, okay? This guy stabbed that sucker like five, six times. Ouch. And I thought that would be the most painful part. No. He cut it open with a scalpel (which hurt) but then he used this blunt-ass surgical clamp to squeeze it which was the WORST. OW. LIKE REALLY. It was the most painful thing I had ever had to experience in my entire life. Worse than Bali. Worse than a tattoo. Just REALLY BAD. I just sat there and cried and cried because it hurt so bad. It felt like I cried for an hour, just waiting for them to give me something, anything. But once they put me on it, I started feeling better with the morphine. I didn’t really like how woozy I felt but it was better than being in pain.
Lots of waiting… lots of waiting… they moved me onto a stretcher in the hallway…
Lots of waiting… lots of waiting… at 3am they were able to move me onto a bed in another hallway.
Got discharged the following morning and that’s pretty much it and I’ve been recovering since the minor procedure. It’s been rough because I’m not supposed to eat these antibiotics and painkillers on an empty stomach but most of the time, it just hurt way too much to even drink water, let alone get some food down. Catch-fucking-twenty-two. The day before yesterday, I was stupid enough to eat two Percocet tabs instead of one as instructed. (I was in a lot of pain, alright?) I got really dizzy, nauseous and ended up vomiting up everything I worked really hard to get down. I got a little too ahead of myself. I probably should have stayed home but I really wanted to be out and about again. I even booked barre that evening which I had to end up cancelling… It was a nice outing and I still feel guilty about dampening the mood… but I’m really fortunate that my friends were kind, patient, and took me home.
Today, I’m feeling much better and I think I can lay off the painkillers. I still don’t have much of an appetite but I’m sure it’ll come back to me soon.