inpsalmnia

“Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.”

I hope you’re feeling better. I’m really worried about you. I want to reach out but I’m not sure if you’re ready.
I’m surrounded by all these people but I feel so alone without you.

I’m moving to Singapore. I got accepted to a competitive law program at SMU that I’ve always wanted to be a part of. Each cohort seats only 30-45 students and so, I felt indebted to the offer alone. I took the opportunity thrown at my feet and since then my life has been a whirlwind in preparation for this new life transition.

SMU gave me five days to accept the offer. I was still waiting for acceptances from other universities so it put me in a really tough position. I gave it a couple of days and then I decided to accept, after which they gave me a week to put down a deposit. It felt like their deadlines gave me just barely enough time to get things done.

It’s been difficult getting my shit together in the last couple of weeks. I’ve been arguing with my parents. I had to cancel a handful of shows and a flight. I’ve been rushing to get hold of a student loan. Things are still moving way too fast and I’m constantly paranoid about whether or not I’ve missed anything. Still, I’ve been trying to be kind to myself. A few friends have taken me out to dinner and wished me kind some words which I’m extremely grateful for. And I’ve got a dear friend back in Singapore that has been helping me set up.

Through the stress and struggle, I’m learning a lot about Singapore. In scrambling to a find a place to live, I was shocked to find that leasers, before divulging any details, would ask me the same couple of questions: “What is your nationality?” or more blatantly, “What is your ethnicity?” It’s obvious that certain landlords prefer some ethnic groups over others. This isn’t new to me; there definitely is an unspoken racial hierarchy that is wholly apparently in Singapore. It’s not easy to pinpoint but you hear it in day-to-day interactions with people. “She got so dark that she’s ugly now”. “That area’s dangerous because it has a lot of Malays”. In a way, I had the perfect answer. My mom is Singaporean and my dad is Malaysian and I come from Canada, a “good” country. But I wonder about all the trouble I’d have to deal with if I was of a different ethnicity/citizenship like PRC who are notoriously dispised in Singapore.

I came across something just as shocking in applying for my student pass. A medical examination for tuberculosis and HIV was a compulsory part of being qualified. With a blood test and x-ray booked, I was curious about this odd requirement and so I did some research online. It turns out that those who tested positive for tuberculosis and HIV cannot qualify to enter Singapore as a long-term visitor. Examples of a long term visitor would be those looking to work or those looking to undertake studies like myself. And apparently, the constraints were much worse before; Before 2015, foreigners with HIV or TB would not even be able to set foot in the country. Now, short-term visits (three months max) are open to those infected but long-term visitors still face the ban and foreigners found to have HIV positive would be deported and put on a blacklist. All this blatant discrimination I’m discovering is unnerving. And heck, I’m not even in Singapore yet. In many ways Singapore is extremely advance for such a young countries but in many other ways, it definitely has a long way to go in terms of becoming more open minded and challenging certain stigmas. I really hope to bring a new perspective to my peers.

Also stumbled upon this interesting guy in my research:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paddy_Chew

This whole situation has been really hard on my boyfriend. I feel a lot of guilt and responsibility for everything. I think about how utterly dejected he was when I first told him about the acceptance. His apprehension has remained since and we’ve been talking about everything over and over again to help us both process the situation. He was feeling especially down today and I’m starting to worry that this is something he can’t do. The thought of losing him is paralyzing. I can’t help but second-guess myself about all this.

“I did something bad.”

“Did you touch a bird?”

“Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly.”

I just want someone, anyone to feel proud of me.

I dreamt that you drove me home.

And we planned to meet on Sunday.

The other night I had my cork-board full of sentimental things fall on me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. And I have to say … it’s a weird thing to have all your memories crash down on you literally, you know?